fireIn a bizarre, unprecedented incident, a petrol station on a busy Durban North road exploded during the early hours of Sunday morning.

“It happened at around 02h15 when I woke up to get me a cold pop. I thought someone was havin’ a barbecue,” said 97-year-old Sugar Brownloaf.

Brownloaf, who lives in a cargo container across the road from the petrol station said, “I saw flames. I saw the smoke. I ran across the road to get a light, ‘cos I ain’t got no matches, you see, and when one sees this kinda thing, one needs one a joint. Just to calm the nerves, like.”

Spokesperson for the Ethekwini Fire and Rescue Services, Graham Burnside said it was strongly suspected that a text message caused the incident.

“Those signs aren’t there for nothing,” said Burnside. “If it says do not use your cellphone, you should not use your cellphone.”

Water was carried in buckets from a swimming pool in a nearby garden to extinguish the fire.

Ethekwini Metro Police have put a motion forward to legally obtain cellular phone records from all residents within a 200km radius of the petrol station.

“Somebody has got to pay for this disaster,” said Corporal Captain Sergeant Lieutenant Superintendent Maximum Sithole. Sithole is currently the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of Ethekwini Metropolitan Police.

Sithole asked for anyone who has any information whatsoever to come forward. Nobody was injured in the blaze.

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victormeyer

The South African Rugby Union called an emergency press conference earlier today to reveal the names of its two newest sponsors.

Flanked by Victor Matfield and Bakkies Botha, SARU president Oregan Hoskins and head coach Heyneke Meyer addressed the media at an old age home in Sandton.

The two new sponsors, Salusa 45 and Super Corega, were represented by their respective marketing managers, Luke Oldman and Bernice Rozenkratztooth.

Hoskins reiterated how important it was for the Springboks to remain associated with brands that not only reflected the tireless work ethic for which the ‘Boks strived, but also those which had practical use.

Shouting into a walkie-talkie while shaking about, coach Meyer said, “Move that bladdy (sic) youngster out the way so that Matfield can get his commode into the room.”

Rozenkratztooth said Super Corega was honoured to be a part of the Springbok brand. “The public is tired of hearing Matfield trying to communicate with his players without teeth. We deserve more than that.”

The sponsorships will take effect from 1 September 2014. “We cannot wait any longer than that,” said Hoskins. “If we aim to be competitive at next year’s World Cup, we cannot be losing our teeth in the scrums.”

Unbeaten so far in the Castle Lager Rugby Championship, the Springboks will be in action again on Saturday 6 September, when they face Australia in Perth.

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Jimmy-Stonehouse-pointsAhead of last night’s ABSA Currie Cup encounter between Steval Pumas and Cell C Sharks at Mbombela Stadium in Nelspruit, one of the Pumas players tested negative for a banned substance.

The player, whose name has not yet been released, is now under investigation and scrutiny from coach Jimmy Stonehouse. At a media briefing after the match, Stonehouse said he had instructed all his players, cleaning staff, administration clerks and security personnel to make use of anabolic-androgenic steroids (AAS).

“The player has been sent home and his parents ordered to take care of him until he is able to face the music,” said Stonehouse. The drug the players had been told to use was Dehydrochlormethyltestosterone. The player insists he simply forgot to do so.

A source close to the Steval Pumas said last week one of the cleaning staff accidentally pushed a hole through the door of Stonehouse’s SUV while washing it. The staff member then, in a fit of rage, tipped the car onto its roof and resigned.

Stonehouse could could not be reached for further comment today. His agent said he was busy moving house. Literally.

Steval Pumas upset the Cell C Sharks 32 – 22 in an aggressively contested match last night.

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