clooneyAfter four days of parties, dinners, water taxi rides and selfies in Venice, guests at the wedding of George Clooney and his 36-year-old fiancée Amal Almuddin, left the celebrity circus disgusted.

After spending millions of dollars on endless parties for its Hollywood friends, exposing them all to the paparazzi, the couple failed to ensure the Nespresso supplies would last.

Clooney has earned no less than $40 million to date as the ambassador for the instant espresso brand.

Speaking after the ceremony, Bono said the last time he had been that disgusted was when he was last snubbed for a Nobel Peace Prize.

“We’ve been awake for more than fucking 96 hours for these people. When I finally reached the front of the Nespresso queue I was told there was only Lavazza left,” said U2 front man Bono while waiting on a street corner for a ‘good friend’ to meet him.hello-george-and-amal-cover-z

Matt Damon, who also appeared in a few Nespresso ads, was equally disgusted.

Before jumping into a speed boat, Damon shouted, “I’ve blocked both George and, um, I can’t pronounce her name…oh wait, I can, Mrs Clooney on Facebook. Do you know he earned three times as much as I did for the same fucking Nespresso advert? Lavazza? I can’t even pronounce that word. Lavazza! Jesus!”

After 4 days of debauchery, which saw 18 innocent bystanders injured, and approximately 35 guests arrested and charged for a range of crimes, the couple married behind closed doors in Venice on Monday.

53-year-old Clooney was his own best man, and performed all the speeches during the ceremony. He reminded the world how lucky Amal Almuddin was to have met him.

Nespresso refused to comment.

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formulaA Johannesburg man may have solved one of our most intricate and unexplained mysteries, before passing away in bizarre fashion on Sunday night.

48-year-old Solomon Edgespinner, who ran a garden service company in Johannesburg, reportedly managed to unpack the hidden code in his medical aid plan, but died before he was able to properly share the knowledge.

His wife, 39-year-old Rita said she was sharpening her husband’s lawnmower blades in the kitchen, when she heard him shout out, “Prescribed minimum fucking benefits!”

Still shaken and heavily sedated, Rita said she then heard what sounded like a gun shot coming from the lounge.

Netcare 911 spokesperson and respondent, Stuart Brews described the scene in the Edgespinner lounge as the worst he had ever come across.

“I’ve attended to some pretty bizarre incidents in my time, but this was just mind blowing. In fact, mind blowing is exactly what happened,” said Brews. “There was nothing left, except a belt buckle, an allergy alert bracelet and two scribbled notes.”

“I have no idea who is going to pay for my wasted time, because their medical aid doesn’t cover it,” Brews said.

One of the notes, presumably written by Solomon, says: ‘Get gap cover because’ while the other one contains highly encrypted and detailed mathematics formulae.

It is believed Solomon understood entirely his medical aid scheme – an occurrence believed to be unprecedented in South Africa – before his brain simply gave up and exploded.

Copies of both pieces of paper found at the scene have been sent to NASA for analysis.

At the time of writing, #newsbyrory had been denied comment by no less than 50 different medical aid brokers.

The Hippo also refused to offer any sort of explanation, but managed to save #newsbyrory R8,17 per month on its car insurance.

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scottishJust days after Scottish voters rejected independence in a historic referendum, question marks have already started to emerge.

A once-off survey carried out by the Scottish Whiskey Society suggests only 7% of Scots remember what they voted on Thursday, with 67% having absolutely no recollection of the referendum whatsoever.

“That leaves us with 24% of the voters who actually knew what they were doing,” said Balgaire MacRackstackerton, chairperson of the Whiskey Society.

“The only way we are going to get this right is by closing all liquor outlets for the few hours leading into the referendum,” he said.

MackRackstackerton said he would put forward an official request that the referendum be repeated, or that it be decided by a coin toss.

The results announced on Friday confirmed the 307-year union with England would continue, with 55% against independence and 45% in favour.

Head of the No Campaign, Alistair Darling said it was a great day for the United Kingdom, and that his children always loved opening their Christmas presents.

“Ah spent the day at me local, while the lass took the kids to the park, like. Nae, ah fookin’ luhv livin’ in Scotland, like, and relieved we qualified fir Olympics like,” Darling said.

He refused to comment on the referendum in particular, until he had time to research what it was all about.

Andy Murray and his mum
Andy Murray remains dependent on his mom

England Prime Minister, David Cameron, meanwhile said he was relieved his country managed to hold onto Andy Murray.

“Glorified ball boy, Tim Henman did nothing but embarrass the country for far too long, so this no vote was crucial for our Wimbledon hopes,” Cameron said.

Murray is still, however, dependent on his mom.

The result also means England’s school learners will continue in their oblivion as to where or what Scotland is.

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Beach-Party-at-PhuketOver two thousand Mossel Bay residents have been treated for dehydration and exhaustion at local hospitals.

In December last year, approximately R68-million worth of cocaine washed up on beaches between Hartenbos and Klein Brak River on the Garden route in South Africa, with police suspecting a lot more was discovered, but not handed in.

Corporal lieutenant captain sergeant major warrant officer Mossie Spuurman said he did not mind the odd party over the festive season, but that the line had to be drawn somewhere.

Spuurman is the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of the South African Police Services in Mossel Bay.

One of the residents, 28-year-old local Dream Catcher Executive, Jordan Brightman, said he was still partying and did not know when the New Year’s party was going to end.

Speaking from his hospital bed last night, Brightman asked if Fatboy Slim had arrived yet, as he had received a message from him in the clouds.

Brightman was heavily tranquilised minutes later.

According to his mother, Margaret, Brightman’s dream catching business was on the rocks.

nurse
Sister Stephanie Vos

Health officials reported more than 2000 people had been treated for dehydration in September alone.

“They leave but they keep coming back, and we are forced to treat them,” said Sister Stephanie Vos from the Mossel Bay Hospital.

Citing research as the reason, Vos admitted she had tried some of the loot, and that it wasn’t the best quality.

“In my opinion, I don’t even think it is cocaine,” she said.

Spuurman said his officers were monitoring the situation closely and would not hesitate to reduce the beats per minute in an effort to bring the revelers back into society.

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carteblanchePopular, long-running South African investigative journalism television series, Carte Blanche has been ordered to replace its theme tune.

The Broadcasting Complaints Commission of South Africa (BCCSA) has given Combined Artists until the end of October to replace or completely remove the well-known theme tune.

Combined Artists is the production company behind South Africa’s most successful ever investigative series.

The BCCSA argued South Africans had become unfairly conditioned and psychologically traumatised by Carte Blanche’s hard-hitting opening jingle since 1988.

BCCSA deputy chairperson, Brian Makeketa said he had received more than 10 000 complaints from the public, as well as a formal recommendation from the South African Society of Psychiatrists (SASOP).

Makeketa said, “We cannot ignore the evidence before us. SASOP reports no less than 80% of M-Net subscribers had reported uncontrollable feelings of anxiety at 7pm every Sunday, with some having to retreat to storm water drains to escape the music.”

One of images currently doing rounds on social media. [Correction: Derek]
One of images currently doing rounds on social media. [Correction: Derek]
SASOP claimed too that within the last month alone, over 1500 South Africans had tried to remove their ears when the jingle started, with some even reportedly trying to climb into their microwave ovens.

Carte Blanche’s theme tune has gained notoriety on social media recently due to its timing.

South Africans have become conditioned to associate the opening few seconds of the jingle with the last few seconds of the weekend.

Combined Artists part-owner George Mazarakis said it was a pity and described it as ‘the death of a legend.’

Mazarakis said he was currently in talks with upbeat Russian pop outfit t.A.T.u. but that nothing had yet been penned.

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Humanitarian Organisation, Gift of the Givers has come under intense international scrutiny during the past week after it emerged food parcels donated to Somalia contained traces of 2012_9$thumbimg124_Sep_2012_140415826-llgluten.

#newsbyrory has received word that over 45 000 Somalians have lodged a formal complaint with the United Nations after discovering gluten in the muffins.

Gift of the Givers head Imtiaz Sooliman admitted it was a very irresponsible error to have made.

“We donated R4,2 million worth of food and medical assistance to volunteers and government aid associations in the Somalian capital Mogadishu. I received a call from the UN late on Friday saying charges had been laid and I would need to appear before an international commission in November.”

This is not the first time Gift of the Givers has found itself in hot water.

In 2009, a strand of hair was reportedly found in a sachet of soup sent to Zimbabwe.

A warrant of arrest was issued in Zimbabwe for Sooliman, and he is yet to comment nor hand himself over.

A Somalian health official said hospitals were suddenly inundated with cases of gluten intolerance last week, and simply could not cope.

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Oscar-Pistorius-at-the-Pretoria-High-CourtAfter delivering the more significant portion of her verdict in the North Gauteng High, Judge Thokozile Masipa admitted she had used alternative methods in arriving at her various conclusions.

The State was dealt a heavy blow when, during her judgment, Masipa said Gerrie Nel had failed to prove without reasonable doubt that 27-year-old Oscar Pistorius was guilty of murder.

Masipa had the massive task of reviewing over 4000 pages of documents from the 41-day trial.

Speaking outside the North Gauteng High Court yesterday, Masipa said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that. I took to the public to assist with my judgment.”

Masipa said she had taken the lead from productions such as SA Idols, and had set up a Mxit campaign, in which members of the public were able to vote.”We let them watch, we let them vote. It’s only fair,” she said.

“We have had, how many, ten seasons of Idols, and at least one of our winnmxiters over the years has had enough fame to perform at the Pumpkin Festival in Hermanus, so the public is therefore a more reliable witness than technology, people who think they might have heard noises, and even common sense,” Masipa said.

Masipa also said she favoured the jury system and had personally implemented it of her own accord to what she described as ‘great effect.’

As far as the other charges are concerned – most of which relate to firearm offences, Masipa sid the public was of the opinion Pistorius should be hailed as a hero and not convicted.

Mxit is a free messaging service, most popular in the Cape Flats.

oscargirl
According to his legal team, Pistorius might have screamed like a girl on the night of the incident.

#newsbyrory reporters were able to obtain RICA records from anonymous sources late on Thursday night, and found no less than 132 450 cellular phones registered to Oscar Pistorius, with each having more than thirteen Mxit accounts.

“I cannot say much more at this point, other than that I may use Mxit to assist with my decision in sentencing,” Masipa said.

The judgment continued on Friday, where Pistorius was found guilty of culpable homicide, as well as the shooting incident at Tashas.

Mxit votes dictated too that bail be extended, and that the case be postponed until 13 October when sentencing arguments will begin.

Mr Pistorius shot dead his model and law-graduate girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp on Valentine’s Day at his Pretoria home last year.

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