Ailing Joan Rivers to be honoured in Potchefstroom

riversPotchefstroom city officials have agreed to honour ailing Hollywood know-it-all, Joan Rivers.

Spokesperson for the City of Potchefstroom (COP), Hermanus Kroegboer confirmed this at a press conference in the community hall on Sunday evening.

Kroegboer said, “The most appropriate way to honour the woman who kept our women at home, knitting and sewing for years, was to name a body of water after her. Seeing as our region is only able to pick up five channels on the DSTV bouquets, with one of them being The Fashion Police Files, Ms Rivers has taught our better halves to dress perfectly for every occasion on the town calendar.”

As soon as the news of Rivers’ condition spread via telegram through the small town, heavy pressure was placed on city officials to do something.

Mevrou Magda-Jan Van Poggenpoel III, Chairlady of Vroumense wat Naai [Women who Sew] (VWN) said, “This lady does has kept we happy. If it wasn’t for her we never know about The Colourblocking. Nou gaan ons naai!” [Now we’re going to sew!]

(Below: Mevrou Magda-Jan Van Poggenpoel III)

magda

Van Poggenpoel was voted in by the 132 members 17 years ago, and has refused to relinquish her position since.

Van Poggenpoel said, “Eintlik naai ons VWN lede al heelnaweek saam koorsig in die kerksaal ter ere aan Mev Rivers.” [All our members will spend the whole week sewing feverishly in honour of Ms Rivers.]

After struggling to find a body of water big enough in the small town of Potchefstroom, city officials decided on a small stream of sewerage that transports waste matter to a sewerage plant.

Justifying the decision, Kroegboer said, “A river runs through it. A river full of shit, yes, but it is nogal [nevertheless] a river, and it is our pleasure to name it ‘The Joan River.'”

The stream’s banks will be covered in glitter and sequins for the next week.

seweragetwo

Locals have been encouraged to throw garments they no longer use into the stream as an offering to the stricken fashion critic.

In a lavish ceremony on Friday 5 September , a sign will be placed next to the stream saying, “Here flows the Joan River. Nou gaan ons Naai.” [Now we’re going to sew.]

The 81-year-old Rivers remains at Mt Sinai Hospital in New York three days after going into cardiac arrest.

#newsbyrory

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