americas got talentThe ninth season of America’s Got Talent, won by magician Mat Franco, has already been clouded in controversy as millions of mobile phones across the U.S. have gone missing.

Questions have also arisen as to how a male magician managed to gain more votes than a beautiful, blonde, female Caucasian songstress.

In a dramatic and tense finale at Radio City Music Hall on 17 September 2014, charismatic magician Franco edged out talented singer, Emily West to take the million dollar prize, as well as a gig in Las Vegas.

Just minutes after the results were announced, police departments across the U.S. were inundated with reports of missing mobile phones, as well as charges for text messages allegedly never sent.

Spokesperson for the New York Police Department, Captain Marvin Stripesmiles said unofficial figures for missing mobile phones reported that night stood at approximately 13 million.

“Originally, the number was almost 18 million reports, ya see, but a great deal number of ’em ya see, have been found, ya see,” said Stripesmiles.

According to Stripesmiles, the investigation was still at a sensitive stage, and he could not reveal where or how the missing phones had been recovered.

Stripesmiles did confirm each phone recovered had sent no less than 400 000 text messages voting for Franco. The respective owners of the phones had no idea who Franco was.

“I don’t fucking know this Franco dude, man. I ain’t even know where the fuck this America is, ya know. Da fuck did I send a text message. I’s only use the Whatsapp, ya see. I ain’t paying this bills, man. Da fuck,” said New York resident, Brooklyn ‘Candycrush’ Goodfellow, one of the fortunate few to have recovered his phone.

During America’s Got Talent Season 9, Franco mesmerised audiences with unprecedented wizardry – some of which included making mobile phones disappear.

Mat Franco
Mat Franco

On one occasion, Franco even retrieved the phone hidden in the upholstery of one of the seats at Radio City Music Hall.

As a result, Franco has become the prime suspect in the theft and unauthorised use of almost 20 million mobile phones across America.

America’s Got Talent producers refused to fully comment, saying they had used an independent auditor to count the votes and refused to become involved in any external investigations.

At the time of writing, Franco was still wanted by Police.

He was reportedly last seen on 13 October as a reflected mural on the Great Wall of China.

The finale aired on South African television on Wednesday 29 October.


diarrhoea2A 47-year-old South African man has become the first known diagnosed case of post-gastro stress disorder or PGSD.

Mark Greenfall, from Durban, was diagnosed with gastrointestinal flu on 7 October 2014, and only fully recovered 16 days later.

“It was terrrible,” Greenfall said. “But I had to adapt my lifestyle accordingly. If I knew I was going to be driving for more than 4 minutes, I would place a big plastic basin on my car seat with a braai [barbecue] grid over it and sit on that. You know, in case something happened in the traffic.”

Greenfall’s GP, Dr Martin Harvey-Spear said Greenfall’s case of gastro was one of the worst he had ever seen. Dr Harvey-Spear has practiced for 28 years, and even assisted in countries such as Uganda.

“I hadn’t done a house visit in eight years, but for Mr Greenfall I knew there was no other option. At first, I suspected he might have had Ebola, but Greenfall assured me he had been nowhere near any Western African countries, nor had he pushed the green pedestrian button on any traffic light,” said Harvey-Spear.

Despite Greenfall’s recovery from the gastrointestinal flu, he now has what experts are calling post-gastro stress disorder or PGSD. It is a condition in which the patient is unable to pass wind, without either sitting on a braai [barbecue] grid or a lavatory.

Dr Charla Tan

A Durban psychologist, Dr Charla Tan said Greenfall would be treated in a psychiatric facility for at least 6 months.

“We use a method known as hypnopaedia, whereby the patient is completely sedated for 18 hours a day, while we play sound effects of a toilet flushing. We do this for 6 months or until I decide the patient is ready to pass wind without fear,” said Tan.

Dr Tan said it was a massive relief to have finally given the condition a name, as it made it easier to treat.

At the time of writing, Greenfall was being transported to a psychiatric facility firmly strapped on top of his Weber.


saidolsThe South African Council of Churches (SACC) has lashed out at the producers of SA Idols, accusing the popular reality TV series of theft.

Addressing the media at a press conference at the 12 Apostles Five Star Hotel and Spa in Cape Town yesterday, SACC spokesperson Reverend Lazarus Vogelstein said evening attendance at churches across the country was at an all time low.

“The SACC is fighting an evil force and it is costing us millions of rands every week. Quite frankly, it is theft and it is happening right before our eyes,” Vogelstein said.

Vogelstein said his franchise had been hit hard, with the majority of its branches reporting a reduction in tithes of around 80 per cent.

Lazarus Vogelstein
Lazarus Vogelstein

Vogelstein said, “Our people have been hypnotised, and our collection trays are empty in the evenings. We’ve tried everything, but the force of evil is relentless. We need our people back where they belong on Sunday evenings. We have sent an open letter to M-Net demanding 50 per cent of all revenue collected via SMS voting.”

M-Net issued a statement, calling it religious apathy, insisting the lack of attendance in church had nothing to do with SA Idols. While viewership is up, M-Net justified the increase saying it was in line with what had been reported year on year since the first season.

SA Idols Executive Producer ProVerb urged Idols fans to make their voices heard.

“SMS your name and ‘Yes’ if you think SA Idols Season Ten should be shown on big screens in churches across the country, or vote ‘No’ if you feel the SACC should look at tweaking its operating hours,” ProVerb said.

Vogelstein said the SACC would fight until the death. He also blamed SA Idols for the high crime rate and increase in drug abuse among the youth.

“Where there is evil, we will conquer it. If we cannot do that, we will attempt to negotiate a deal in which all parties are financially satisfied,” he said.

Vogelstein said he and good friend had been forced to cancel essential missionary work planned for Phuket and Bangkok later this year.

Outspoken Idols judge Randall Abrahams said, “It’s a no from me.”