Jacob Zuma finds culprit responsible for Cape Fires

jacob-zuma3President Jacob Zuma has once again lashed out at the late Jan Van Riebeeck.

This, after fires continue to plague and destroy Cape Town’s South Peninsula.

In a statement released on Thursday morning, Zuma blamed Van Riebeeck for bringing fire to Africa in the seventeenth century.

Van Riebeek arrived in the Cape on 6 April 1652.

Zuma is adamant the Dutch colonial administrator not only brought the concept of fire to the continent, but also threw a cigarette butt out of his ship, the Dromedaris.

Speaking pool side at Nkandla on Thursday, Zuma said, “I have set up a task team to investigate the matter, but we do believe a cigarette butt can remain dormant for hundreds of years, before re-igniting of its own accord. We believe this is what happened in Cape Town, and Van Riebeeck must pay.”

Zuma said he would also consider the banning of smoking on all boats near all mountains in the country.

Meanwhile, in an act of goodwill, Zuma has offered up his fire pool at Nkandla to assist with the dousing of the flames in the Cape, as fire-fighters finally manage to get the flames under control.

Zuma ordered his four wives to make the trek down to the Cape, each with a bucket of water taken from his Nkandla fire pool.

His wives left on foot on Friday morning, and are due to arrive in the Cape on 6 August 2017.

Van Riebeeck, however, could not be reached for comment.

#newsbyrory

If you’d like details on how to donate to the Fire Relief Fund, simply click here.

42 Comments

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  1. If we look at the history of man, it’s clear the he first Braai was executed in the Cradle of Human Kind at Swartkrans over 1 milion years ago. And that man kind was in contol of fire over 1 million years ago.

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  2. I didn’t think this man( creature) could get any more stupid. Well hello you f#%€~ idiot. You proved me wrong. He seriously needs to be removed from his position. Should never have been put there in the first place. Send him back to the zoo he escaped from

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  3. I am in the employ of the Zuma Govinmint in the department of DOF ( Department of Faith)…. Let me warn you counter revolutionary white colonialist settlers…… we the ANC guvinmint are going to prosecute for bringing the wheel to South Africa. The wheel is responsible for many deaths every holiday weekend when our comrats use your dangerous wheel to get home to our other wives in the rural areas…..

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    • I believe the Zuma GOVERNMENT is called the ANC –
      I also believe that South Africa is everybody’s land and not solely the claimed land of “drifting farmers” (the so called native people of South Africa).

      I trust that you, pastor, will pray for strength to be handed to all the people in our country to settle their disputes peacefully as that is what you are suppose to believe; being a man of the cloth and all.

      Furthermore, the wheel is a perfectly safe invention and we should be grateful that it was brought here; Having said that, it is the abuse of the wheel, taxi drivers that use illegal ways to fix their taxi’s and the fact that speeding and overloading occurs, that causes these many deaths.

      With all do respect pastor, please don’t point fingers at a certain race group because they invented something that requires great responsibility to use it correctly.

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      • the pastor is poking fun at Zuma. I don’t think he is a pastor, just somebody taking the mickey out of people like yourself who takes life too serious. take a breath and have a good laugh.

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  4. You fucking dumb idiot, If their was no fire, you would be eating your K.F.C raw. You are seriously and truly Pathetic Zuma. Do everyone a favour and resign and stop dragging this country through your Ass. It is time to throw out the trash, and let this country begin to heal……

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  5. At first i was concerned by the intelligence of our no. 1 public servant, but after reading some of the comments from the readers i think we deserve nothing more. How far have we gone to insanity if we can’t recognize humour staring us in the face?

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Ja nee, liewe hel! Dis ‘n satiiese artikel mense (slaan dit na in ‘n woordeboek, as jy weet wat DIT is!) Ek is nou meer bekommerd oor SA as ooit tevore. Ek dog dis een idioot, maar nou lyk dit my hy is die koning van die idiote!

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  7. Wow….The amount of comments made here by people that didn’t spot the very obvious satire is scary…Funny as hell thought how they comment on stupidity..

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  8. People it’s a joke am I the only one understanding this article! We are so opsessed with Mr Zuma that we are not open to a good luagh. I’m sure most of those throwing insults are whites lol

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  9. Hahaha. You bunch of idiots. Finish the damn article first it’s hillarious. On the other hand it’s sad that it was believable.

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  10. Guys please first understand when something is a joke. Secondly everyone who brought up race, you are the reason that South Africa has not started to heal… forgive, forget and move the f… on, or is my generation and that of my children doomed to live in a broken society for ever…

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  11. Bring back the apartheid goverment,black criminal dictatorship goverment for the past 20 years of democracy never repay any muslim household 900 billion to leave your country,no muslim since 1657 upto 2015 ask to settled in your country,?

    Like

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