fuel-price-thumbThe Department of Energy announced on Monday the price of petrol will rise by 52 cents a litre (c/l) for all grades, while diesel will increase by a massive 76c/l.

The main reason for the spike is the weakening rand/US dollar exchange rate.

The Department of Energy, meanwhile, has urged motorists to deal ‘wisely’ with the increase in fuel prices.

Spokesperson for the department, Wishbone Gumede urged motorists to resist heading to the pumps like sheep ahead of the increase, which will take effect at midnight on Tuesday.

“We see this every time we increase the price of fuel, and it makes no sense, especially for those driving more expensive, luxury vehicles, and those which use more fuel,” Gumede said.

Gumede advised, “When you’re spending so much money on your car instalments every month, it only makes sense to avoid the cheap stuff when it comes to filling up.”

He said there was a misconception about the need to fill up ahead of the increase.

“The best thing to do for any motorist who respects his or her car is to wait for the price increase to kick in before filling up. This will ensure you avoid as much of the cheaper fuel as possible and opt rather to respect your engine by using only the more expensive stuff. You car deserves it,” Gumede insisted.

The Automobile Association has warned that motorists should brace themselves for further price increases in the coming months.

“An increase in the price of fuel should never be seen as a bad thing,” Gumede says.

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sniffer2.pngA dedicated SARS sniffer dog was on the receiving end of the perfect gift at a prestigious event held at a popular hotel in Sandton on Wednesday.

The event, attended by top brass from Airports Company South Africa (ACSA), South African Police Services (SAPS) and South African Revenue Service (SARS), was arranged to thank 4-year-old Raffles for his hard work over the last two years.

Speaking to the media after the event, Raffles’s proud handler, Reggie Spotless, said, “Raffles has single-handedly intercepted no less than R600-million worth of narcotics at OR Tambo International Airport during the last year alone.”

He said Raffles was starting to become very edgy of late and even snapped at an empty baggage trolley a few weeks ago and also tried to attack the luggage conveyor belt.

“It can’t be easy smelling cocaine all day without ever having the chance to just sit down and enjoy a line yourself. He was bound to start losing his mind at some stage,” Spotless said.

“We simply cannot afford to lose the services of this wonderful dog, so we did the right thing. We gave Raffles the day off, organised a lavish event, and cut him a 38cm line of cocaine to enjoy as a reward.”

Spotless said it was only understandable that Raffles would start to become aggressive after four years in the service without ever having the chance to sample anything.

“It made perfect sense. He’s a completely different dog now. It’s like he’s been given a new lease on life. He just seems to have more wisdom about his daily routine now that he knows exactly what it is he is intercepting,” Spotless said.

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sabc-new-oneThe South African Broadcasting Corporation has admitted it is running out of music and has issued a request to all South Africans to assist.

The SABC announced on Wednesday 11 May it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting on 12 May, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster was to be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

Spokesperson for the SABC, Dingindawo Mahlangu has called upon all South Africans to submit whatever music they are capable of producing.

“The truth is we’re running out of music and we need all South Africans to help us maintain our 90% promise,” Mahlangu said.

“At the SABC, we’ve now been forced to adopt an extremely open-minded opinion on what constitutes music, and we’re happy to consider absolutely all submissions.”

Mahlangu said over the weekend, three of the SABC radio stations played what he referred to as ‘a beautiful 7-minute duet’ between two howling dogs recorded on a cellular phone in Hermanus recently.

A family in Eshowe, KZN submitted a recording of their 2-year-old son screaming and repeatedly slamming the bathroom door. It was played on four SABC stations on Sunday night.

“If we look for music, we can find it anywhere, and we urge all South Africans to keep their cellphones at hand. Record whatever you can and submit it. There is a very good chance it will be playlisted at some stage,” Mahlangu said.

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sylvia-two-newsA Durban housewife has described how her life was turned upside down this week after losing her rag early on Monday morning.

49-year-old Sylvia Schoolcraft was inconsolable as family members and close friends rallied around her shortly after she discovered the loss.

“In over 31 years of cleaning, washing up, making lunches, ironing, playing Solitaire and fetching kids from school, I’ve never ever lost my rag,” Sylvia said.

The married mother of two teenage sons says the last time she can remember using it was while wiping down the kitchen cupboards shortly after 9 o’clock on Monday morning.

“I took a tea-break and played a few rounds of Solitaire on my very own computer, and when I went back to the kitchen to wash the breakfast dishes, my rag was nowhere to be seen,” she says.

Sylvia says it will take her a long time to get over the loss.

“Of all the things I could lose, why my rag? What am I supposed to do now?” she asked?

“It’s one of those things. You never actually think it will happen to you. I refuse point-blank to use a sponge,” she says.

Sylvia says she is emotionally shattered and would consider seeking domestic help for a few weeks until she is able to find her feet again.

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bieber-newsJustin Bieber has joined a long list of musicians who have made a shock decision in response to the latest announcement from the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC).

The SABC announced on Wednesday it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting today, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster must be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

The controversial decision has sent shock waves through the international music industry, with many big artists having already applied for South African citizenship.

Spokesperson for Justin Bieber, Guy Popnotes, said Bieber had already agreed a $13-million deal with the South African Department of Home Affairs for immediate citizenship.

“If all goes well, as of Monday 16 May, Justin will be in the possession of a brand new passport and will have dual Canadian / South African citizenship,” Popnotes said.

Popnotes said he considered it money well spent on Bieber’s behalf as a good 35% of his teenage fans are South African.

“We simply cannot afford to have Bieber silenced in South Africa. To have him officially declared a local South African artist seemed the only solution,” he said.

Popnotes even hinted towards a possible collaboration with popular SA music sensation, Kurt Darren.

“I’ve heard some of Kurt’s music. I think they’d do well together in a studio,” he said.

Other international artists who are rumoured to be agreeing similar lucrative deals with the Department of Home Affairs are Adele, Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus, Indecent Obsession, Susan Boyle and Vanilla Ice.

At the time of going to print, the Department of Home Affairs was not available for comment.

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saps thumb2A South African Police Services warrant officer stationed in Linden, Johannesburg has made a shocking confession to the media.

Riddled with confusion, Warrant Officer Sipesihle ‘Strong Arm’ Jekubeni said he could no longer live with himself and needed to tell someone.

Jekubeni then contacted various members of the media, openly confessing to actually reading a police affidavit before stamping and signing it, and in so doing, confirming its authenticity.

“I have no idea what I was thinking. If I can remember correctly, I think my phone battery was flat and I had nothing else to look at,” he said.

Jekubeni says he felt a cold rush of euphoria as he read details of a misplaced identity document, presented and written by a member of the public on an official SAPS affidavit form on Sunday 8 May 2016.

“I have never ever read any of these things. I just usually stamp and sign. I’m afraid of this information I have now. I want to forget it,” Jekubeni said.

He refused to divulge any of the information on the police affidavit.

The Linden SAPS Station Commander was unavailable for comment.

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woolworthsOne of the largest retail chains in the country has made a bold decision in an attempt to ease the pain for consumers.

South Africans have been feeling the pinch of a plummeting rand, a failing economy, large scale corruption and an arguably (a)pathetic president.

Speaking at a press conference in Sandton on Wednesday, spokesperson for Woolworths Holdings Limited (Woolworths), Gabriel Pinchpenny said it was high time grocery shops followed the example set by airports the world over.

“Let’s face it – there really is no better feeling than carrying a branded Woolies grocery packet, and if we’re expecting our customers to fork out exorbitant amounts of money in order to be seen with them, we need to give something back,” Pinchpenny said.

He says, “The solution has been staring us in the face for decades. Starting with our Johannesburg branches, we will be renovating all our stores, adding a prayer room to each one. Customers will be given seven minutes to retreat to the room for silent prayer or meditation once their items have been rung up.”

Pinchpenny said it was important for their loyal customers to feel they have a greater power to turn to before they leave.

“Have you been to our stores lately? If you think boarding an aeroplane is terrifying, try push a pack of four avocados through our scanners and see what happens to your heart rate,” he joked.

By the end of 2017, every Woolworths food store in the country should have a prayer room.

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