springbok coach

In an attempt to level the playing fields and assist the Springboks in avoiding an embarrassing home test series loss, the International Rugby Board (IRB) has made an unprecedented decision.

The Springboks suffered a devastating 20 – 26 defeat at the hand of Ireland in the first test at DHL Newlands last Saturday.

This, after the visitors played with 14 men for just less than 60 minutes of the match.

It was new Springbok coach Allister Coetzee’s first match in charge of the Springboks.

“We know Springbok selection is governed by strict quota requirements, so we felt the need to step in and do something to restrict the visiting team too,” said IRB spokesperson Basil Wideball.

Wideball said the IRB had been in discussion with the Irish Rugby Football Union and an amicable agreement had been reached.

Wideball explained, “Ireland will be restricted to 14 men for the first of the second test at Emirate Airlines Park on Saturday.”

Wideball said depending on the score after 40 minutes, Ireland might be forced to remove another player for the second half.

“We don’t have an exact score deficit in mind just yet for the half time decision, but we’ll discuss it with both coaches during the break,” Wideball said.

The Springboks have not lost a test series at home in 19 years and have never lost one to Ireland.

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oscar-angry

After day one of sentencing procedures at the North Gauteng High Court, Oscar Pistorius broke his media silence by lashing out at Henri van Breda.

As he was leaving the courtroom on Monday, Pistorius shouted in the direction of the media, implying van Breda had ‘deliberately’ stolen his limelight.

“Today was MY day! I was trending on Twitter! I should be trending on Twitter! Who the fuck is this Henri van Breda? He hasn’t even been convicted yet [sic],” he shouted.

Pistorius then looked down as he shuffled out, mumbling what sounded like, “There can be only one murderer on Twitter at a time. Today was meant to be my time. He did this deliberately.”

#OscarPistorius has been trending nationally on Twitter since early on Monday morning.

The Paralympian is to be sentenced for murder, after the Supreme Court of Appeal overturned his culpable homicide conviction.

Meanwhile, Henri van Breda, whose family was bludgeoned to death with an axe on a

henri-van-breda
Henri van Breda
luxury estate in Stellenbosch 18 months ago, handed himself over to police on Monday.

The 21-year-old van Breda was then immediately arrested and taken into custody.

He is due to appear in court today.

Within minutes of the news hitting social media, #HenriVanBreda started trending too, sparking the outrage from Pistorius.

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roland-garros-news

A British couple has laid a formal complaint with the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) following the French Open Men’s Singles Final at Roland Garros.

In Sunday’s final, Novak Djokovic came from a set down to defeat Andy Murray to win his first French Open and become the first man since 1969 to hold all four Grand Slam titles concurrently.

The couple, 67-year-old Harold and 71-year-old Hilary Swiftwhistle from Westminster said the Men’s Singles Final was the worst experience of their lives.

“We paid over £4000 to be at that event and it was absolutely horrific. We couldn’t understand a single word the umpire said throughout the match,” said Hilary.

Harold said they were also unable to see the scoreboard due to their failing eye sight, so it was a ‘complete waste of time and money’.

“In his post-match interview, Novak also made absolutely no sense, blabbering on in that ridiculous language. It was like listening to a bunch of ducks quacking.”

“It’s beyond ludicrous that a tournament of such apparent prestige should still, in this day and age, be conducted in any language other than English. The French are an arrogant bunch and need to get over themselves,” Harold complained.old-couple-newsbyrory

Hilary said she had asked her daughter to post a complaint on HelloPeter as well as the official Roland Garros website, while she had penned a strongly worded letter to the ATP.

“And I wrote the bloody letter in English, I did!” she shouted.

Harold said they would be keenly awaiting a response as well as a formal apology.

“It surely cannot continue like this. We’re in the 21st century now,” he said.

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bieber-newsJustin Bieber has joined a long list of musicians who have made a shock decision in response to the latest announcement from the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC).

The SABC announced on Wednesday it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting today, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster must be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

The controversial decision has sent shock waves through the international music industry, with many big artists having already applied for South African citizenship.

Spokesperson for Justin Bieber, Guy Popnotes, said Bieber had already agreed a $13-million deal with the South African Department of Home Affairs for immediate citizenship.

“If all goes well, as of Monday 16 May, Justin will be in the possession of a brand new passport and will have dual Canadian / South African citizenship,” Popnotes said.

Popnotes said he considered it money well spent on Bieber’s behalf as a good 35% of his teenage fans are South African.

“We simply cannot afford to have Bieber silenced in South Africa. To have him officially declared a local South African artist seemed the only solution,” he said.

Popnotes even hinted towards a possible collaboration with popular SA music sensation, Kurt Darren.

“I’ve heard some of Kurt’s music. I think they’d do well together in a studio,” he said.

Other international artists who are rumoured to be agreeing similar lucrative deals with the Department of Home Affairs are Adele, Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus, Indecent Obsession, Susan Boyle and Vanilla Ice.

At the time of going to print, the Department of Home Affairs was not available for comment.

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heynekeSpringbok coach Heyneke Meyer has turned to an unlikely source for assistance after Saturday’s historic loss to Japan.

Meyer’s Springboks became only the second team to ever lose to the Cherry Blossoms at a Rugby World Cup after they were shocked 34 – 32 in Brighton on Saturday night.

The only other team ever to have lost to Japan at a Rugby World Cup was Zimbabwe.

Bok coach Meyer said, “I cannot just sit here and do nothing. I must change something. I am not too proud to ask for help if I think it is needed,” Meyer said.

Meyer was speaking to reporters as well as an angry mob outside the team hotel early on Sunday morning.

He said, “When I got back to my hotel room last night, I watched Invictus, hoping it would give me inspiration and also a few ideas and alternative game plans.”

Meyer said he was really impressed at how Matt Damon ‘got the knack of rugby’ so quickly, and said praise must go to director Clint Eastwood for his part in that transformation.

“I have spoken to [SARU President] Oregan Hoskins and we have agreed to call on the services of Eastwood on an urgent consultancy basis. If he could transform Damon from an ordinary actor into a Rugby World Cup winning Springbok, even just on the screen, I’m sure he has a great deal to offer us,” Meyer shouted triumphantly with his fists in the air.

Hoskins confirmed Eastwood had been contacted with a very attractive offer on the table.

Scene from Invictus
Scene from Invictus

“We’re hoping Clint is able to join us in England by Thursday this week, at the latest,” Hoskins confirmed.

Invictus is the story of how Nelson Mandela joined forces with the Springboks as the country won its first ever Rugby World Cup in 1995.

Hoskins also called on Springbok fans to stop posting insulting and derogatory messages on social media as it ‘deeply upset Heyneke’.

“We need to treat Heyneke with the love and respect he deserves,” Hoskins said.

The Springboks’ next match is against Samoa on Saturday.

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Floyd Mayweather Jr.Information, that will leave the boxing fraternity shocked, has leaked just over 24 hours ahead of the ‘the fight of the century’.

Mayweather has secretly sought advice from TV personality Jerry Springer’s on-stage security staff in the weeks leading to the big match up.

According to a source within the camp, who spoke on agreement of anonymity, Mayweather has watched approximately 100 hours of footage taken from The Jerry Springer Show.

Springer’s staff are regarded as the best in the world as they are able – in most cases – to prevent any serious injuries between fist-throwing thugs on stage.

Exact details are sketchy, but it is reported Springer’s security staff have told Mayweather to watch Pacquiao’s eyes at all times.

According to Springer’s guards, the pupils dilate split seconds before a punch is thrown.

This happens when the message to punch reaches the brain, at which time the pupils dilate in order to enhance vision.

It is believed in case of experienced boxers, the pupils may dilate up to three seconds before the punch is thrown, giving the opponent even more time.

This is because (due to the number of knocks it has taken) the average brain of a boxer takes longer to register what the message is. The same is said for many of Springer’s on-stage guests.

Mayweather’s corner has also insisted the American takes at least 10 selfies a day and stares at a collage of them for two hours before going to bed.

Studies have revealed staring at one’s own selfies has the potential to make one fearless.

Psychologists at Harvard argue when staring at a selfie you see all your blemishes, and realise you have nothing to lose.

Tests have been carried out on a number of celebrities, with the only one to fail being George Clooney.

Psychologists believe Clooney is unable to find any fault when staring at himself for hours.

Susan Boyle, however, has become suicidal as a result of the tests, and is currently considering legal action against Harvard University.

Finally, according to our sources, Mayweather has also spent time listening to Celine Dion to test his patience.

Dion refused to comment.filepicker-j8VMVrlR4SQOrsDQiGoj_jerry_springer_fight

This information is expected to change the way all athletes train.

The fight at MGM Grand Las Vegas will take place at around 20h00 local time.

The fight is set to generate an estimated $400 million.

Pacquiao has 57 wins and five defeats from 64 pro fights, while Mayweather is unbeaten after 47 fights.

It is expected to be the most watched event in the world, even surpassing Super Bowl XLVIII, as well as the premiere of Police Academy 6 in 1989.

Feel free to leave your predictions here.

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clarkson2Recently sacked Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is currently in talks with international chef Gordon Ramsay regarding a new reality television series.

The violent Clarkson and Tourette’s sufferer Ramsay were spotted in a secret meeting in a London Hotel on Wednesday.

Clarkson was sacked by the BBC on Tuesday for recently assaulting one of the Top Gear producers.

A source working in the hotel said Clarkson also assaulted three of the other patrons after they offered the disgraced star their autographs, while Ramsay insulted the carpets, saying they reminded him of his late grandmother’s bed spread.

Meanwhile, a number of inside sources at the BBC have leaked information regarding the imminent TV series featuring both Clarkson and Ramsay as judges.

According to the sources, The reality series will be called Hell’s Freeway.

Contestants will be required to prepare a seven course meal while driving a 1971 Austin Mini, at 120 km/h, without tyres, through a treacherous mountain pass in Peru.

All producers of Hell’s Freeway will attend self-defense courses before recording commences in August.

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