bieber-newsJustin Bieber has joined a long list of musicians who have made a shock decision in response to the latest announcement from the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC).

The SABC announced on Wednesday it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting today, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster must be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

The controversial decision has sent shock waves through the international music industry, with many big artists having already applied for South African citizenship.

Spokesperson for Justin Bieber, Guy Popnotes, said Bieber had already agreed a $13-million deal with the South African Department of Home Affairs for immediate citizenship.

“If all goes well, as of Monday 16 May, Justin will be in the possession of a brand new passport and will have dual Canadian / South African citizenship,” Popnotes said.

Popnotes said he considered it money well spent on Bieber’s behalf as a good 35% of his teenage fans are South African.

“We simply cannot afford to have Bieber silenced in South Africa. To have him officially declared a local South African artist seemed the only solution,” he said.

Popnotes even hinted towards a possible collaboration with popular SA music sensation, Kurt Darren.

“I’ve heard some of Kurt’s music. I think they’d do well together in a studio,” he said.

Other international artists who are rumoured to be agreeing similar lucrative deals with the Department of Home Affairs are Adele, Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus, Indecent Obsession, Susan Boyle and Vanilla Ice.

At the time of going to print, the Department of Home Affairs was not available for comment.

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saps thumb2A South African Police Services warrant officer stationed in Linden, Johannesburg has made a shocking confession to the media.

Riddled with confusion, Warrant Officer Sipesihle ‘Strong Arm’ Jekubeni said he could no longer live with himself and needed to tell someone.

Jekubeni then contacted various members of the media, openly confessing to actually reading a police affidavit before stamping and signing it, and in so doing, confirming its authenticity.

“I have no idea what I was thinking. If I can remember correctly, I think my phone battery was flat and I had nothing else to look at,” he said.

Jekubeni says he felt a cold rush of euphoria as he read details of a misplaced identity document, presented and written by a member of the public on an official SAPS affidavit form on Sunday 8 May 2016.

“I have never ever read any of these things. I just usually stamp and sign. I’m afraid of this information I have now. I want to forget it,” Jekubeni said.

He refused to divulge any of the information on the police affidavit.

The Linden SAPS Station Commander was unavailable for comment.

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woolworthsOne of the largest retail chains in the country has made a bold decision in an attempt to ease the pain for consumers.

South Africans have been feeling the pinch of a plummeting rand, a failing economy, large scale corruption and an arguably (a)pathetic president.

Speaking at a press conference in Sandton on Wednesday, spokesperson for Woolworths Holdings Limited (Woolworths), Gabriel Pinchpenny said it was high time grocery shops followed the example set by airports the world over.

“Let’s face it – there really is no better feeling than carrying a branded Woolies grocery packet, and if we’re expecting our customers to fork out exorbitant amounts of money in order to be seen with them, we need to give something back,” Pinchpenny said.

He says, “The solution has been staring us in the face for decades. Starting with our Johannesburg branches, we will be renovating all our stores, adding a prayer room to each one. Customers will be given seven minutes to retreat to the room for silent prayer or meditation once their items have been rung up.”

Pinchpenny said it was important for their loyal customers to feel they have a greater power to turn to before they leave.

“Have you been to our stores lately? If you think boarding an aeroplane is terrifying, try push a pack of four avocados through our scanners and see what happens to your heart rate,” he joked.

By the end of 2017, every Woolworths food store in the country should have a prayer room.

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whoNot long after the announcement linking processed meats and bacon to certain types of cancer, WHO has delivered yet another heavy dietary blow – one which will also affect vegans.

Speaking at an emergency press conference in Geneva on Tuesday afternoon, a spokesperson for the agency warned against eating muesli before 10 am on weekdays.

WHO spokesperson, Jean-Pierre Jejunum said, “After extensive research and data analysis we have found a definite link between the consumption of muesli before 10 o’clock on a weekday and the likelihood of being hit by a bus.”

Jejunum said people who consume muesli first thing in the morning on a weekday have a much higher risk of being killed by a bus than those who consumed bacon and eggs.

“We have spent 9 years collecting, collating and analysing the data, and it is our duty as the World Health Organisation to make our findings public. By avoiding muesli before 10 o’clock you can and will reduce your risk of being hit by a bus by up to 7%. This is substantial,” Jejunum said.

According to Jejunum, it is suspected there might be an ingredient or compound in muesli that either influenced depth perception or made people attracted to the smell of the fumes emitted by a bus.

For countries that do not have a public transport system, Jejunum said consumers of muesli risked being hit by a low-flying hawk.

“The findings are irrefutable,”he said.

The World Health Organisation will now campaign to have warning notices printed on all packs of muesli before April 2016.

heynekeSpringbok coach Heyneke Meyer has turned to an unlikely source for assistance after Saturday’s historic loss to Japan.

Meyer’s Springboks became only the second team to ever lose to the Cherry Blossoms at a Rugby World Cup after they were shocked 34 – 32 in Brighton on Saturday night.

The only other team ever to have lost to Japan at a Rugby World Cup was Zimbabwe.

Bok coach Meyer said, “I cannot just sit here and do nothing. I must change something. I am not too proud to ask for help if I think it is needed,” Meyer said.

Meyer was speaking to reporters as well as an angry mob outside the team hotel early on Sunday morning.

He said, “When I got back to my hotel room last night, I watched Invictus, hoping it would give me inspiration and also a few ideas and alternative game plans.”

Meyer said he was really impressed at how Matt Damon ‘got the knack of rugby’ so quickly, and said praise must go to director Clint Eastwood for his part in that transformation.

“I have spoken to [SARU President] Oregan Hoskins and we have agreed to call on the services of Eastwood on an urgent consultancy basis. If he could transform Damon from an ordinary actor into a Rugby World Cup winning Springbok, even just on the screen, I’m sure he has a great deal to offer us,” Meyer shouted triumphantly with his fists in the air.

Hoskins confirmed Eastwood had been contacted with a very attractive offer on the table.

Scene from Invictus
Scene from Invictus

“We’re hoping Clint is able to join us in England by Thursday this week, at the latest,” Hoskins confirmed.

Invictus is the story of how Nelson Mandela joined forces with the Springboks as the country won its first ever Rugby World Cup in 1995.

Hoskins also called on Springbok fans to stop posting insulting and derogatory messages on social media as it ‘deeply upset Heyneke’.

“We need to treat Heyneke with the love and respect he deserves,” Hoskins said.

The Springboks’ next match is against Samoa on Saturday.

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epkingsEP Kings players and the union’s management have been in conflict for several months regarding delays in salaries.

It is believed the players had not been paid for at least six months before a plan was made by the union.

There appears to be an issue once again with the players’ August salaries, and the union has now approached the fans for help.

EP President Cheeky Watson says, “It is no secret my players are struggling to put food on the table and we cannot have this. We are asking the fans who support us to help out wherever they can.”

Watson was speaking from the presidential suite at Grosvenor House in Dubai where the union’s management are having a two-week brain storming session.

Watson said the union had decided to follow similar protocol to restaurants, where fans would be urged to pay a gratuity when leaving the stadium.

“We cannot afford to pay our players, but we also cannot have them looking in bins for food, so it is up to our loyal fans to put their hands in their pockets for a change,” said Watson.

EP Kings captain Luke Watson
EP Kings captain Luke Watson

Watson’s son Luke has not even been able to purchase a razor in almost two years.

EP Kings CEO Charl Crous said fans would each be encouraged to pay at least 20% of the loss deficit per match.

“So, if we lose by 100 points, for instance, fans would be encouraged to drop R20 in the tins at the exit. The stadium cleaning staff would take 5% of all takings, leaving the players with the rest,” Crous said.

Crous said he believed the initiative would prevent an imminent player strike.

Fans are also encouraged to leave tins of food as well as old clothing and blankets in specially marked bins located all over the stadium.

The EP Kings are struggling in the ABSA Currie Cup Premier Division, having lost four out of four so far in this year’s competition.

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addingtonProvincial hospitals in KwaZulu-Natal are under pressure to adopt a policy of transformation when admitting patients for treatment.

This emerged at a media briefing in Durban on Wednesday afternoon.

Speaking on Wednesday, Provincial spokesperson for the Department of Health, Sibusiso Allsorts said hospitals in KZN did not accurately reflect diversity with regard to medical procedures and ailments.

“I visited five provincial hospitals in KZN last week, and was shocked to find that three of them did not have a single patient suffering with appendicitis, while the other two each had more than twenty,” said Allsorts.

Allsorts said the problem was serious and needed to be addressed immediately.

He said, “There are over a million reasons to be in hospital, and we need all of our hospitals in the province to accurately reflect these reasons. We cannot have a thousand patients in one hospital being treated for a kidney ailment, while all the other hospitals are treating bronchitis. This is simply not fair and it is not a true reflection of our rainbow nation. We are a country full of a variety of diseases and all of our hospitals need to reflect this.”

Addington Hospital Senior Ward Manager, Rosemary Panicstation says she is ‘deeply concerned’ with the proposed move.

“If I find myself having to turn away a good, solid appendicitis patient to make place for one who is terminal, it would break my heart,” she said.

Allsorts said a task force would be formed to map the road ahead.

“If we need to start at grassroots, and move patients between paediatric wards in hospitals, then we will do that, but it is imperative we do it soon,” he said.

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