fuel-price-thumbThe Department of Energy announced on Monday the price of petrol will rise by 52 cents a litre (c/l) for all grades, while diesel will increase by a massive 76c/l.

The main reason for the spike is the weakening rand/US dollar exchange rate.

The Department of Energy, meanwhile, has urged motorists to deal ‘wisely’ with the increase in fuel prices.

Spokesperson for the department, Wishbone Gumede urged motorists to resist heading to the pumps like sheep ahead of the increase, which will take effect at midnight on Tuesday.

“We see this every time we increase the price of fuel, and it makes no sense, especially for those driving more expensive, luxury vehicles, and those which use more fuel,” Gumede said.

Gumede advised, “When you’re spending so much money on your car instalments every month, it only makes sense to avoid the cheap stuff when it comes to filling up.”

He said there was a misconception about the need to fill up ahead of the increase.

“The best thing to do for any motorist who respects his or her car is to wait for the price increase to kick in before filling up. This will ensure you avoid as much of the cheaper fuel as possible and opt rather to respect your engine by using only the more expensive stuff. You car deserves it,” Gumede insisted.

The Automobile Association has warned that motorists should brace themselves for further price increases in the coming months.

“An increase in the price of fuel should never be seen as a bad thing,” Gumede says.

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sabc-new-oneThe South African Broadcasting Corporation has admitted it is running out of music and has issued a request to all South Africans to assist.

The SABC announced on Wednesday 11 May it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting on 12 May, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster was to be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

Spokesperson for the SABC, Dingindawo Mahlangu has called upon all South Africans to submit whatever music they are capable of producing.

“The truth is we’re running out of music and we need all South Africans to help us maintain our 90% promise,” Mahlangu said.

“At the SABC, we’ve now been forced to adopt an extremely open-minded opinion on what constitutes music, and we’re happy to consider absolutely all submissions.”

Mahlangu said over the weekend, three of the SABC radio stations played what he referred to as ‘a beautiful 7-minute duet’ between two howling dogs recorded on a cellular phone in Hermanus recently.

A family in Eshowe, KZN submitted a recording of their 2-year-old son screaming and repeatedly slamming the bathroom door. It was played on four SABC stations on Sunday night.

“If we look for music, we can find it anywhere, and we urge all South Africans to keep their cellphones at hand. Record whatever you can and submit it. There is a very good chance it will be playlisted at some stage,” Mahlangu said.

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sylvia-two-newsA Durban housewife has described how her life was turned upside down this week after losing her rag early on Monday morning.

49-year-old Sylvia Schoolcraft was inconsolable as family members and close friends rallied around her shortly after she discovered the loss.

“In over 31 years of cleaning, washing up, making lunches, ironing, playing Solitaire and fetching kids from school, I’ve never ever lost my rag,” Sylvia said.

The married mother of two teenage sons says the last time she can remember using it was while wiping down the kitchen cupboards shortly after 9 o’clock on Monday morning.

“I took a tea-break and played a few rounds of Solitaire on my very own computer, and when I went back to the kitchen to wash the breakfast dishes, my rag was nowhere to be seen,” she says.

Sylvia says it will take her a long time to get over the loss.

“Of all the things I could lose, why my rag? What am I supposed to do now?” she asked?

“It’s one of those things. You never actually think it will happen to you. I refuse point-blank to use a sponge,” she says.

Sylvia says she is emotionally shattered and would consider seeking domestic help for a few weeks until she is able to find her feet again.

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saps thumb2A South African Police Services warrant officer stationed in Linden, Johannesburg has made a shocking confession to the media.

Riddled with confusion, Warrant Officer Sipesihle ‘Strong Arm’ Jekubeni said he could no longer live with himself and needed to tell someone.

Jekubeni then contacted various members of the media, openly confessing to actually reading a police affidavit before stamping and signing it, and in so doing, confirming its authenticity.

“I have no idea what I was thinking. If I can remember correctly, I think my phone battery was flat and I had nothing else to look at,” he said.

Jekubeni says he felt a cold rush of euphoria as he read details of a misplaced identity document, presented and written by a member of the public on an official SAPS affidavit form on Sunday 8 May 2016.

“I have never ever read any of these things. I just usually stamp and sign. I’m afraid of this information I have now. I want to forget it,” Jekubeni said.

He refused to divulge any of the information on the police affidavit.

The Linden SAPS Station Commander was unavailable for comment.

#newsbyrory #satire 

 

woolworthsOne of the largest retail chains in the country has made a bold decision in an attempt to ease the pain for consumers.

South Africans have been feeling the pinch of a plummeting rand, a failing economy, large scale corruption and an arguably (a)pathetic president.

Speaking at a press conference in Sandton on Wednesday, spokesperson for Woolworths Holdings Limited (Woolworths), Gabriel Pinchpenny said it was high time grocery shops followed the example set by airports the world over.

“Let’s face it – there really is no better feeling than carrying a branded Woolies grocery packet, and if we’re expecting our customers to fork out exorbitant amounts of money in order to be seen with them, we need to give something back,” Pinchpenny said.

He says, “The solution has been staring us in the face for decades. Starting with our Johannesburg branches, we will be renovating all our stores, adding a prayer room to each one. Customers will be given seven minutes to retreat to the room for silent prayer or meditation once their items have been rung up.”

Pinchpenny said it was important for their loyal customers to feel they have a greater power to turn to before they leave.

“Have you been to our stores lately? If you think boarding an aeroplane is terrifying, try push a pack of four avocados through our scanners and see what happens to your heart rate,” he joked.

By the end of 2017, every Woolworths food store in the country should have a prayer room.

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bbc_malikShocking details have emerged surrounding the sudden resignation of One Direction member, Zayn Malik.

Malik walked away from the band’s world tour last week citing ‘stress’ as the reason for his departure.

However, sources close to the band have leaked shocking information behind Malik’s departure, which is bound to leave One Direction fans heartbroken.

According to the sources, who spoke on agreement of anonymity, Malik learned he was 2 months pregnant on Monday 16 March, and has apparently been in turmoil since.

One particular source said, “We’re all just shocked. I mean, he wasn’t even showing, but he thought something was wrong when he started having strange cravings. Two weeks ago, he insisted on at least 1000 daffodils in his dressing room at one gig. By the end of the night he had eaten them all, leaving just the stalks behind.”

Malik reportedly did the test secretly in a public bathroom in Brazil, with the pregnancy stick confirming the result.

#newsbyrory attempted to contact Malik, the other four members of One Direction, as well its management team, but they have all remained mum – which is exactly what Malik is about to become.

It is not known at this stage who the the other parent of the child is, or whether or not Malik will keep it.

The sources close to the band say Malik is just planning to take it one craving at a time.

Malik was last spotted on a private flight to Morocco chewing relentlessly on a moonstone.

One Direction will continue its world tour as a four-piece outfit and record a fifth album later this year.

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South African President Zuma gestures during a news conference in PretoriaAn unprecedented phenomenon took place at the border between South Africa and Zimbabwe during Jacob Zuma’s State of the Nation Address on Thursday night.

An estimated 155 000 Zimbabwean refugees were spotted scrambling back home, over the fence, between 19h05 and 20h00 last night, while chaos continued in Parliament.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe has since launched a scathing attack on Zuma, demanding the South African President apologise to the world.

Mugabe has threatened military action if Zuma does not personally fetch all of his Zimbabwean refugees.

“I sent them over the fence just two weeks ago. I don’t have place for them here, and we’ve run out of eggs, bread, water, electricity and petrol,” Mugabe said while pulling heavily on a Cuban cigar on Friday morning.

Mugabe urged the South African government to patrol its borders more effectively, and to be stricter on those wanting to leave.

Spokesperson for the The Border Control Operational Coordinating Committee (BCOCC), Simphiwe ‘Barbwire’ Mokoena said his officers were glued to their television screens and missed the frantic frenzy at the fence.

Desperate Zimbabweans make their way home.
Desperate Zimbabweans scramble home

“This is typical of Zuma,” Mokoena said. “He cleverly created a decoy last night, leaving our borders vulnerable and wide open for cheap labour to escape.”

Chaos broke out in Parliament last night when EFF members once again demanded that Zuma answer questions regarding the money spent on Nkandla.

The situation spiralled out of control, with almost half of the members, including the opposition, walking out of their own accord.

Meanwhile, more officers have been deployed at South African borders in an attempt to keep cheap labour in the country.

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A few of the popular tweets doing the rounds during SONA: