fuel-price-thumbThe Department of Energy announced on Monday the price of petrol will rise by 52 cents a litre (c/l) for all grades, while diesel will increase by a massive 76c/l.

The main reason for the spike is the weakening rand/US dollar exchange rate.

The Department of Energy, meanwhile, has urged motorists to deal ‘wisely’ with the increase in fuel prices.

Spokesperson for the department, Wishbone Gumede urged motorists to resist heading to the pumps like sheep ahead of the increase, which will take effect at midnight on Tuesday.

“We see this every time we increase the price of fuel, and it makes no sense, especially for those driving more expensive, luxury vehicles, and those which use more fuel,” Gumede said.

Gumede advised, “When you’re spending so much money on your car instalments every month, it only makes sense to avoid the cheap stuff when it comes to filling up.”

He said there was a misconception about the need to fill up ahead of the increase.

“The best thing to do for any motorist who respects his or her car is to wait for the price increase to kick in before filling up. This will ensure you avoid as much of the cheaper fuel as possible and opt rather to respect your engine by using only the more expensive stuff. You car deserves it,” Gumede insisted.

The Automobile Association has warned that motorists should brace themselves for further price increases in the coming months.

“An increase in the price of fuel should never be seen as a bad thing,” Gumede says.

#newsbyrory

woolworthsOne of the largest retail chains in the country has made a bold decision in an attempt to ease the pain for consumers.

South Africans have been feeling the pinch of a plummeting rand, a failing economy, large scale corruption and an arguably (a)pathetic president.

Speaking at a press conference in Sandton on Wednesday, spokesperson for Woolworths Holdings Limited (Woolworths), Gabriel Pinchpenny said it was high time grocery shops followed the example set by airports the world over.

“Let’s face it – there really is no better feeling than carrying a branded Woolies grocery packet, and if we’re expecting our customers to fork out exorbitant amounts of money in order to be seen with them, we need to give something back,” Pinchpenny said.

He says, “The solution has been staring us in the face for decades. Starting with our Johannesburg branches, we will be renovating all our stores, adding a prayer room to each one. Customers will be given seven minutes to retreat to the room for silent prayer or meditation once their items have been rung up.”

Pinchpenny said it was important for their loyal customers to feel they have a greater power to turn to before they leave.

“Have you been to our stores lately? If you think boarding an aeroplane is terrifying, try push a pack of four avocados through our scanners and see what happens to your heart rate,” he joked.

By the end of 2017, every Woolworths food store in the country should have a prayer room.

#newsbyrory 

hippoA security guard is considering his options after being attacked and severely injured by a hippo at Tala Game Reserve near Cato Ridge on Thursday morning.

Spokesperson for ER24, Bradman Stretcher, said the guard was in a serious condition after his arm ws bitten by the hippo.

The 46 year old security guard, Winston Goodprice had his right arm severely injured when the hippo became angry and snapped at him.

Speaking from his hospital bed late on Friday night, Goodprice, who is recovering slowly, said he was disappointed with the hippo, and would be laying a complaint with consumer watchdog website, HelloPeter.com.

“The hippo refused to give me a single insurance quote, and when I double-clicked for the third time, that is when the hippo became angry and attacked me,” said Goodprice.

Goodprice’s wife Olive said she was eventually forced to approach a broker in order to insure their goods.

“It’s too late for Winston, but we need to raise awareness, so this does not happen again,” says Olive.

Douglas Barkfur
Douglas Barkfur

Wildlife expert Douglas Barkfur says hippos should not be expected to provide insurance quotes.

“Too much is expected of our hippos, and as a result, many of them feel despondent, and act accordingly. This needs to stop. The victims here are the hippos,” said Barkfur.

Tala Game Reserve refused to comment.

The complaint with Hellopeter.com is pending.

At the time of going to print the hippo was in call centre training, and could not be reached for comment.

#newsbyrory

jacob-zuma3President Jacob Zuma has once again lashed out at the late Jan Van Riebeeck.

This, after fires continue to plague and destroy Cape Town’s South Peninsula.

In a statement released on Thursday morning, Zuma blamed Van Riebeeck for bringing fire to Africa in the seventeenth century.

Van Riebeek arrived in the Cape on 6 April 1652.

Zuma is adamant the Dutch colonial administrator not only brought the concept of fire to the continent, but also threw a cigarette butt out of his ship, the Dromedaris.

Speaking pool side at Nkandla on Thursday, Zuma said, “I have set up a task team to investigate the matter, but we do believe a cigarette butt can remain dormant for hundreds of years, before re-igniting of its own accord. We believe this is what happened in Cape Town, and Van Riebeeck must pay.”

Zuma said he would also consider the banning of smoking on all boats near all mountains in the country.

Meanwhile, in an act of goodwill, Zuma has offered up his fire pool at Nkandla to assist with the dousing of the flames in the Cape, as fire-fighters finally manage to get the flames under control.

Zuma ordered his four wives to make the trek down to the Cape, each with a bucket of water taken from his Nkandla fire pool.

His wives left on foot on Friday morning, and are due to arrive in the Cape on 6 August 2017.

Van Riebeeck, however, could not be reached for comment.

#newsbyrory

If you’d like details on how to donate to the Fire Relief Fund, simply click here.

eskomtwoA young South African mother is currently being treated for shock, after learning on Thursday last week she had three children – two of whom are still toddlers.

22-year-old Poppie Ligtoring and her husband 26-year-old Hermanus reported discovering the children in what they thought was the spare bedroom in their modest home in Benoni.

Hermanus said it was during load shedding [rolling black-out / power failure].

He said he had reached staged 1336 on his Nintendo Tetris, when Eskom cut the lights, and he was forced to look around for the first time in years.

Hermanus said he started that particular game in September 1999, and had not looked up since.

He did boast, however, in that Eskom had only reached stage three, when he was almost on stage 1500 of his particular game.

His wife Poppie, meanwhile, had also been busy since 1996, and found she had baked no less than 212 302 lemon meringues.

Poppie Ligtoring
Poppie Ligtoring

The children – now in a place of safety – are two, three, and six years old respectively.

Poppie says she has no recollection of either conceiving nor giving birth to any of them.

“These childs is definitely my childs. They is all having my ears. I wants my childs back. I has cakes for them,” said a severely shaken Poppie.

She is now selling her lemon meringues at a bargain R9,99 each.

Hermanus, meanwhile, has been missing along with his Nintendo console, since Monday.

#newsbyrory

Rumours havevirginflight emerged just hours after Virgin Atlantic flight VS43 from Gatwick to Las Vegas was forced to turn around with what was described as ‘landing gear problems’.

The world watched on social media as minute-by-minute updates were posted, as the Boeing 747 circled Gatwick, preparing for an extremely risky non-standard landing.

Initial reports from Virgin Atlantic were that the flight could not continue due to serious technical issues with the landing gear.

However, sources close to the airline have revealed there was nothing wrong with the aeroplane, but it needed to divert attention away from the fact that it had failed to load three trolleys of gluten-free meal options, and one for on-board banters.

The source, who has requested to remain anonymous, said as soon as it was realised the gluten-free and banting options were not on board, a plan needed to be made.

According to the source, Virgin Atlantic public relations officers immediately relayed the message to the flight deck, telling them to turn around immediately and ‘follow further instructions’.

International aviation experts agree the ‘heroic landing’ option was the better one, saying if it had leaked the airline failed to cater for gluten-free and banting passengers, consequences would have been nothing short of disastrous.

Banting has taken the world of nutrition by storm.

It is an eating plan in which all carbohydrates are equated with the devil.

Gatwick airport resumed all flights shortly after the Boeing 747 was towed away and the passengers safely back in the terminal.

#newsbyrory

formulaA Johannesburg man may have solved one of our most intricate and unexplained mysteries, before passing away in bizarre fashion on Sunday night.

48-year-old Solomon Edgespinner, who ran a garden service company in Johannesburg, reportedly managed to unpack the hidden code in his medical aid plan, but died before he was able to properly share the knowledge.

His wife, 39-year-old Rita said she was sharpening her husband’s lawnmower blades in the kitchen, when she heard him shout out, “Prescribed minimum fucking benefits!”

Still shaken and heavily sedated, Rita said she then heard what sounded like a gun shot coming from the lounge.

Netcare 911 spokesperson and respondent, Stuart Brews described the scene in the Edgespinner lounge as the worst he had ever come across.

“I’ve attended to some pretty bizarre incidents in my time, but this was just mind blowing. In fact, mind blowing is exactly what happened,” said Brews. “There was nothing left, except a belt buckle, an allergy alert bracelet and two scribbled notes.”

“I have no idea who is going to pay for my wasted time, because their medical aid doesn’t cover it,” Brews said.

One of the notes, presumably written by Solomon, says: ‘Get gap cover because’ while the other one contains highly encrypted and detailed mathematics formulae.

It is believed Solomon understood entirely his medical aid scheme – an occurrence believed to be unprecedented in South Africa – before his brain simply gave up and exploded.

Copies of both pieces of paper found at the scene have been sent to NASA for analysis.

At the time of writing, #newsbyrory had been denied comment by no less than 50 different medical aid brokers.

The Hippo also refused to offer any sort of explanation, but managed to save #newsbyrory R8,17 per month on its car insurance.

#newsbyrory