sabc-new-oneThe South African Broadcasting Corporation has admitted it is running out of music and has issued a request to all South Africans to assist.

The SABC announced on Wednesday 11 May it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting on 12 May, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster was to be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

Spokesperson for the SABC, Dingindawo Mahlangu has called upon all South Africans to submit whatever music they are capable of producing.

“The truth is we’re running out of music and we need all South Africans to help us maintain our 90% promise,” Mahlangu said.

“At the SABC, we’ve now been forced to adopt an extremely open-minded opinion on what constitutes music, and we’re happy to consider absolutely all submissions.”

Mahlangu said over the weekend, three of the SABC radio stations played what he referred to as ‘a beautiful 7-minute duet’ between two howling dogs recorded on a cellular phone in Hermanus recently.

A family in Eshowe, KZN submitted a recording of their 2-year-old son screaming and repeatedly slamming the bathroom door. It was played on four SABC stations on Sunday night.

“If we look for music, we can find it anywhere, and we urge all South Africans to keep their cellphones at hand. Record whatever you can and submit it. There is a very good chance it will be playlisted at some stage,” Mahlangu said.

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bieber-newsJustin Bieber has joined a long list of musicians who have made a shock decision in response to the latest announcement from the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC).

The SABC announced on Wednesday it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting today, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster must be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

The controversial decision has sent shock waves through the international music industry, with many big artists having already applied for South African citizenship.

Spokesperson for Justin Bieber, Guy Popnotes, said Bieber had already agreed a $13-million deal with the South African Department of Home Affairs for immediate citizenship.

“If all goes well, as of Monday 16 May, Justin will be in the possession of a brand new passport and will have dual Canadian / South African citizenship,” Popnotes said.

Popnotes said he considered it money well spent on Bieber’s behalf as a good 35% of his teenage fans are South African.

“We simply cannot afford to have Bieber silenced in South Africa. To have him officially declared a local South African artist seemed the only solution,” he said.

Popnotes even hinted towards a possible collaboration with popular SA music sensation, Kurt Darren.

“I’ve heard some of Kurt’s music. I think they’d do well together in a studio,” he said.

Other international artists who are rumoured to be agreeing similar lucrative deals with the Department of Home Affairs are Adele, Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus, Indecent Obsession, Susan Boyle and Vanilla Ice.

At the time of going to print, the Department of Home Affairs was not available for comment.

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julius_steve_detailSouth African self-appointed political activist and karaoke singer Steve Hofmeyr may be been banned from all toy shops around the country for up to 10 years.

Shortly after getting into a social media spat with a puppet named Chester Missing, Hofmeyr was seen arguing with a stuffed toy in a Boksburg branch of Toys is Us.

Toy is Us manager Specky Spoegmasjien said he had heard a loud commotion coming from the back of his store on Thursday afternoon.

“It is craziness what I hearing. I was unpacking a box of catties [hand-operated catapults] when crazy noises coming from my shop. My shelves collapse. My customers shout. I grabbed a catty and two marbles for safeness [safety] and run to see,” said a still shaken Spoegmasjien.

When Spoegmasjien went to investigate, he found Hofmeyr calling one of his stuffed toys ‘an idiotic golliwog¬†with no future’.

Spoegmasjien said he also heard Hofmeyr blaming the stuffed toy for apartheid.

Gertie Bakgat
Lana van Poggenpoel

Spoegmasjien said he had to call one of his female staff members, Lana ’16 Valve’ van
Poggenpoel to restrain Hofmeyr.

Hofmeyr was arrested shortly afterwards, and faces the prospect of being banned from all toy stores for up to 10 years.

His legal team has admitted Hofmeyr may need counselling, as he is currently struggling to differentiate between fact and fiction.

The stuffed toy is currently undergoing therapy, and will consider laying charges after consulting with his legal team.

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sextapeA sex tape, allegedly featuring 53-year-old Scottish singer Susan Boyle and 83-year-old Scottish compatriot Ronnie Corbett, has failed to leak.

Boyle confirmed the two had ‘enjoyed a romantic liaison’ earlier this year in April, after Boyle had performed at a concert held by the Scottish Heritage Society.

“We recorded everything, and Ron promised me his agent had sent it to all celebrity gossip magazine editors the world over,” Boyle said.

“It was initially YouTube that made me famous, so I just tried to give something back to my fans. It appears they respect me far too much to accept the gift, she said. “Oh, he flipped me over, under, that way, this way and even cracked a joke or two for me.”

Corbett confirmed the liaison had taken place and also that it was filmed by his daughter Sophie Corbett.

“Sophie took a copy of it with to work for a client function a few weeks ago too, so I am not sure why the news or visuals have not yet spread. Something else did a short while ago,” the comedian said.

A spokesperson from Susan Boyle Management refused to properly comment, saying, ” I deal purely with the professional dealings of my clients, and from what I’ve heard, neither were very professional in this video! I refuse to watch it.”

Rumours have spread of an interest in the video by the producers of National Geographic. This has not yet been confirmed.

At the time of going to print, #newsbyrory had received over 400 copies of the video from Corbett.

“We’ll just keep sending it until we get a view,” said Boyle.

Boyle rose to international fame in the 2009 edition of Britian’s Got Talent while Corbett is yet to do so.

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rivers newPopular comedian, producer, actress and know-it-all fashion critic, Joan Rivers, who died on Thursday afternoon, seemingly refuses to rest.

Rivers, aged 81, died when her daughter Melissa Rivers took her off of life support in a New York hospital.

Rivers was rushed to hospital after she stopped breathing and suffered cardiac arrest following a throat operation last week.

Latest reports from the Pearly Gates suggest Rivers has kicked up a fuss and has refused to enter Heaven.

“If I’d known the fucking dress code in this ridiculous place, I’d have worn my fucking hospital bedding,” she said to St Peter upon arrival.

“Where the fuck are the diamonds, darling? Champagne, crystal chandeliers, I want this place to shine. It says nothing to me. It is a fucking archaic dump. Was it designed by Tom Selleck?” she shouted at unsuspecting heavenly helpers.

St Peter has refused to comment and said he is not allowed to speak to the media without the permission of ‘the big man.’stpeter

Popular international crossing over charlatan, John Edward, said he had received a very encrypted text message from Rivers late last night.

“I can’t make out what she is trying to say, but have sent the message for analysis,” he said.

He then closed his eyes and said, “I’m seeing a red teddy bear, anyone here have any assoociation with a red teddy bear? It might have been blue? Anyone? In fact, it might not even have been a teddy bear. I’m seeing a colour. Anyone? It might not be a colour. I’m seeing a flower.”

Rivers’ daughter Melissa could not be reached for comment.

Intrepid critic and comedian, Rivers spent her final years as the anchor of Fashion Police on E! Entertainment.

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