roland-garros-news

A British couple has laid a formal complaint with the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) following the French Open Men’s Singles Final at Roland Garros.

In Sunday’s final, Novak Djokovic came from a set down to defeat Andy Murray to win his first French Open and become the first man since 1969 to hold all four Grand Slam titles concurrently.

The couple, 67-year-old Harold and 71-year-old Hilary Swiftwhistle from Westminster said the Men’s Singles Final was the worst experience of their lives.

“We paid over ¬£4000 to be at that event and it was absolutely horrific. We couldn’t understand a single word the umpire said throughout the match,” said Hilary.

Harold said they were also unable to see the scoreboard due to their failing eye sight, so it was a ‘complete waste of time and money’.

“In his post-match interview, Novak also made absolutely no sense, blabbering on in that ridiculous language. It was like listening to a bunch of ducks quacking.”

“It’s beyond ludicrous that a tournament of such apparent prestige should still, in this day and age, be conducted in any language other than English. The French are an arrogant bunch and need to get over themselves,” Harold complained.old-couple-newsbyrory

Hilary said she had asked her daughter to post a complaint on HelloPeter as well as the official Roland Garros website, while she had penned a strongly worded letter to the ATP.

“And I wrote the bloody letter in English, I did!” she shouted.

Harold said they would be keenly awaiting a response as well as a formal apology.

“It surely cannot continue like this. We’re in the 21st century now,” he said.

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Dead-Frog-in-WoolworthsWoolworths South Africa suffered an embarrassing blow this week when a salad was found in a food container intended to only contain a frog.

The meal was packed in a pet shop in Randburg, Johannesburg.

The pre-packed lunch was especially ordered, following a request from a visiting French diplomat, Jean-Baptiste Grenouille.

Spokesperson for Woolworths South Africa, Mervyn Bottleface said it is not known how the salad got into the container, but that the incident was currently under investigation.

“I’m just as horrified as everybody else. My WhatsApp hasn’t stopped. I’ve lost 18 Twitter followers. I haven’t had a retweet since Monday. I haven’t slept. My hair’s a mess. I just can’t anymore,” said Bottleface.

Mervyn Bottleface
Mervyn Bottleface

French diplomat Grenouille said he was highly offended to find lettuce, tomato and feta cheese hidden under his frog.

Grenouille refused to eat his meal and would be ordering his food directly from France in future.

The pet shop in question is also investigating the matter.

Pet shop owner, Sally Furgills said one of her staff members ended up with a boa constrictor in her lunch box that same day, so there seemed to have been some confusion.

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