springbok coach

In an attempt to level the playing fields and assist the Springboks in avoiding an embarrassing home test series loss, the International Rugby Board (IRB) has made an unprecedented decision.

The Springboks suffered a devastating 20 – 26 defeat at the hand of Ireland in the first test at DHL Newlands last Saturday.

This, after the visitors played with 14 men for just less than 60 minutes of the match.

It was new Springbok coach Allister Coetzee’s first match in charge of the Springboks.

“We know Springbok selection is governed by strict quota requirements, so we felt the need to step in and do something to restrict the visiting team too,” said IRB spokesperson Basil Wideball.

Wideball said the IRB had been in discussion with the Irish Rugby Football Union and an amicable agreement had been reached.

Wideball explained, “Ireland will be restricted to 14 men for the first of the second test at Emirate Airlines Park on Saturday.”

Wideball said depending on the score after 40 minutes, Ireland might be forced to remove another player for the second half.

“We don’t have an exact score deficit in mind just yet for the half time decision, but we’ll discuss it with both coaches during the break,” Wideball said.

The Springboks have not lost a test series at home in 19 years and have never lost one to Ireland.

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A British couple has laid a formal complaint with the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) following the French Open Men’s Singles Final at Roland Garros.

In Sunday’s final, Novak Djokovic came from a set down to defeat Andy Murray to win his first French Open and become the first man since 1969 to hold all four Grand Slam titles concurrently.

The couple, 67-year-old Harold and 71-year-old Hilary Swiftwhistle from Westminster said the Men’s Singles Final was the worst experience of their lives.

“We paid over £4000 to be at that event and it was absolutely horrific. We couldn’t understand a single word the umpire said throughout the match,” said Hilary.

Harold said they were also unable to see the scoreboard due to their failing eye sight, so it was a ‘complete waste of time and money’.

“In his post-match interview, Novak also made absolutely no sense, blabbering on in that ridiculous language. It was like listening to a bunch of ducks quacking.”

“It’s beyond ludicrous that a tournament of such apparent prestige should still, in this day and age, be conducted in any language other than English. The French are an arrogant bunch and need to get over themselves,” Harold complained.old-couple-newsbyrory

Hilary said she had asked her daughter to post a complaint on HelloPeter as well as the official Roland Garros website, while she had penned a strongly worded letter to the ATP.

“And I wrote the bloody letter in English, I did!” she shouted.

Harold said they would be keenly awaiting a response as well as a formal apology.

“It surely cannot continue like this. We’re in the 21st century now,” he said.

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sniffer2.pngA dedicated SARS sniffer dog was on the receiving end of the perfect gift at a prestigious event held at a popular hotel in Sandton on Wednesday.

The event, attended by top brass from Airports Company South Africa (ACSA), South African Police Services (SAPS) and South African Revenue Service (SARS), was arranged to thank 4-year-old Raffles for his hard work over the last two years.

Speaking to the media after the event, Raffles’s proud handler, Reggie Spotless, said, “Raffles has single-handedly intercepted no less than R600-million worth of narcotics at OR Tambo International Airport during the last year alone.”

He said Raffles was starting to become very edgy of late and even snapped at an empty baggage trolley a few weeks ago and also tried to attack the luggage conveyor belt.

“It can’t be easy smelling cocaine all day without ever having the chance to just sit down and enjoy a line yourself. He was bound to start losing his mind at some stage,” Spotless said.

“We simply cannot afford to lose the services of this wonderful dog, so we did the right thing. We gave Raffles the day off, organised a lavish event, and cut him a 38cm line of cocaine to enjoy as a reward.”

Spotless said it was only understandable that Raffles would start to become aggressive after four years in the service without ever having the chance to sample anything.

“It made perfect sense. He’s a completely different dog now. It’s like he’s been given a new lease on life. He just seems to have more wisdom about his daily routine now that he knows exactly what it is he is intercepting,” Spotless said.

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bieber-newsJustin Bieber has joined a long list of musicians who have made a shock decision in response to the latest announcement from the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC).

The SABC announced on Wednesday it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting today, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster must be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

The controversial decision has sent shock waves through the international music industry, with many big artists having already applied for South African citizenship.

Spokesperson for Justin Bieber, Guy Popnotes, said Bieber had already agreed a $13-million deal with the South African Department of Home Affairs for immediate citizenship.

“If all goes well, as of Monday 16 May, Justin will be in the possession of a brand new passport and will have dual Canadian / South African citizenship,” Popnotes said.

Popnotes said he considered it money well spent on Bieber’s behalf as a good 35% of his teenage fans are South African.

“We simply cannot afford to have Bieber silenced in South Africa. To have him officially declared a local South African artist seemed the only solution,” he said.

Popnotes even hinted towards a possible collaboration with popular SA music sensation, Kurt Darren.

“I’ve heard some of Kurt’s music. I think they’d do well together in a studio,” he said.

Other international artists who are rumoured to be agreeing similar lucrative deals with the Department of Home Affairs are Adele, Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus, Indecent Obsession, Susan Boyle and Vanilla Ice.

At the time of going to print, the Department of Home Affairs was not available for comment.

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Floyd Mayweather Jr.Information, that will leave the boxing fraternity shocked, has leaked just over 24 hours ahead of the ‘the fight of the century’.

Mayweather has secretly sought advice from TV personality Jerry Springer’s on-stage security staff in the weeks leading to the big match up.

According to a source within the camp, who spoke on agreement of anonymity, Mayweather has watched approximately 100 hours of footage taken from The Jerry Springer Show.

Springer’s staff are regarded as the best in the world as they are able – in most cases – to prevent any serious injuries between fist-throwing thugs on stage.

Exact details are sketchy, but it is reported Springer’s security staff have told Mayweather to watch Pacquiao’s eyes at all times.

According to Springer’s guards, the pupils dilate split seconds before a punch is thrown.

This happens when the message to punch reaches the brain, at which time the pupils dilate in order to enhance vision.

It is believed in case of experienced boxers, the pupils may dilate up to three seconds before the punch is thrown, giving the opponent even more time.

This is because (due to the number of knocks it has taken) the average brain of a boxer takes longer to register what the message is. The same is said for many of Springer’s on-stage guests.

Mayweather’s corner has also insisted the American takes at least 10 selfies a day and stares at a collage of them for two hours before going to bed.

Studies have revealed staring at one’s own selfies has the potential to make one fearless.

Psychologists at Harvard argue when staring at a selfie you see all your blemishes, and realise you have nothing to lose.

Tests have been carried out on a number of celebrities, with the only one to fail being George Clooney.

Psychologists believe Clooney is unable to find any fault when staring at himself for hours.

Susan Boyle, however, has become suicidal as a result of the tests, and is currently considering legal action against Harvard University.

Finally, according to our sources, Mayweather has also spent time listening to Celine Dion to test his patience.

Dion refused to comment.filepicker-j8VMVrlR4SQOrsDQiGoj_jerry_springer_fight

This information is expected to change the way all athletes train.

The fight at MGM Grand Las Vegas will take place at around 20h00 local time.

The fight is set to generate an estimated $400 million.

Pacquiao has 57 wins and five defeats from 64 pro fights, while Mayweather is unbeaten after 47 fights.

It is expected to be the most watched event in the world, even surpassing Super Bowl XLVIII, as well as the premiere of Police Academy 6 in 1989.

Feel free to leave your predictions here.

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mail220315iAlmost eight years after the mysterious disappearance of three-year-old Madeleine McCann, her parents have made a desperate plea to children around the world.

Madeleine went missing from her bed in a holiday apartment at a resort in Algarve, Portugal on the evening of 3 May 2007.

Madeleine was on holiday with her parents, Kate and Gerry, and her younger twin siblings, Sean and Amelie.

She disappeared while her parents were out, dining at a restaurant near the resort.

Meanwhile, Kate and Gerry have called on children all over the world to change their Easter Egg hunt routines this year.

“With the help of a private detective and Scotland Yard, we did extensive research, and it takes the average middle class British child under the age of 10 years old, an average of 13 minutes to find all the hidden Easter eggs,” said Gerry.

He said, “If each child around the world spends just six minutes scouring the garden for chocolates, and the other seven minutes looking for Madeleine, I’m almost positive we will find her.”

Gerry was speaking at a press conference on Wednesday while on holiday in Ibiza.

The McCanns are currently on a two-month holiday on the popular Spanish island while their nine-year-old twins, Sean and Amelie house sit their home in the village of Rothley in Leicestershire.

“We just need to get away every now and then, and the twins can be so much fuss sometimes, so they agreed to stay at home and water the plants. I do love my plants, and will not forgive myself if they perish,” said Kate.

Police and security guards around the world have also been called upon to strip and identify any person roaming around in an Easter Bunny outfit.

“We just don’t know. We really don’t. She could even have become an Easter Bunny by now,” said Kate.

The hunt for Madeleine continues with her parents convinced she will be found, and the family reunited.

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[A child goes missing every six hours in South Africa. If you have any information OR would like to report a missing child in South Africa click here]

[If you have any information regarding the disappearance of Madeleine McCann, click here]

scottishJust days after Scottish voters rejected independence in a historic referendum, question marks have already started to emerge.

A once-off survey carried out by the Scottish Whiskey Society suggests only 7% of Scots remember what they voted on Thursday, with 67% having absolutely no recollection of the referendum whatsoever.

“That leaves us with 24% of the voters who actually knew what they were doing,” said Balgaire MacRackstackerton, chairperson of the Whiskey Society.

“The only way we are going to get this right is by closing all liquor outlets for the few hours leading into the referendum,” he said.

MackRackstackerton said he would put forward an official request that the referendum be repeated, or that it be decided by a coin toss.

The results announced on Friday confirmed the 307-year union with England would continue, with 55% against independence and 45% in favour.

Head of the No Campaign, Alistair Darling said it was a great day for the United Kingdom, and that his children always loved opening their Christmas presents.

“Ah spent the day at me local, while the lass took the kids to the park, like. Nae, ah fookin’ luhv livin’ in Scotland, like, and relieved we qualified fir Olympics like,” Darling said.

He refused to comment on the referendum in particular, until he had time to research what it was all about.

Andy Murray and his mum
Andy Murray remains dependent on his mom

England Prime Minister, David Cameron, meanwhile said he was relieved his country managed to hold onto Andy Murray.

“Glorified ball boy, Tim Henman did nothing but embarrass the country for far too long, so this no vote was crucial for our Wimbledon hopes,” Cameron said.

Murray is still, however, dependent on his mom.

The result also means England’s school learners will continue in their oblivion as to where or what Scotland is.

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