sabc-new-oneThe South African Broadcasting Corporation has admitted it is running out of music and has issued a request to all South Africans to assist.

The SABC announced on Wednesday 11 May it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting on 12 May, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster was to be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

Spokesperson for the SABC, Dingindawo Mahlangu has called upon all South Africans to submit whatever music they are capable of producing.

“The truth is we’re running out of music and we need all South Africans to help us maintain our 90% promise,” Mahlangu said.

“At the SABC, we’ve now been forced to adopt an extremely open-minded opinion on what constitutes music, and we’re happy to consider absolutely all submissions.”

Mahlangu said over the weekend, three of the SABC radio stations played what he referred to as ‘a beautiful 7-minute duet’ between two howling dogs recorded on a cellular phone in Hermanus recently.

A family in Eshowe, KZN submitted a recording of their 2-year-old son screaming and repeatedly slamming the bathroom door. It was played on four SABC stations on Sunday night.

“If we look for music, we can find it anywhere, and we urge all South Africans to keep their cellphones at hand. Record whatever you can and submit it. There is a very good chance it will be playlisted at some stage,” Mahlangu said.

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bieber-newsJustin Bieber has joined a long list of musicians who have made a shock decision in response to the latest announcement from the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC).

The SABC announced on Wednesday it would be implementing a quota for local music on all of its 18 radio stations.

Starting today, 90% of all music played by the public broadcaster must be sourced from South African artists, regardless of quality.

The controversial decision has sent shock waves through the international music industry, with many big artists having already applied for South African citizenship.

Spokesperson for Justin Bieber, Guy Popnotes, said Bieber had already agreed a $13-million deal with the South African Department of Home Affairs for immediate citizenship.

“If all goes well, as of Monday 16 May, Justin will be in the possession of a brand new passport and will have dual Canadian / South African citizenship,” Popnotes said.

Popnotes said he considered it money well spent on Bieber’s behalf as a good 35% of his teenage fans are South African.

“We simply cannot afford to have Bieber silenced in South Africa. To have him officially declared a local South African artist seemed the only solution,” he said.

Popnotes even hinted towards a possible collaboration with popular SA music sensation, Kurt Darren.

“I’ve heard some of Kurt’s music. I think they’d do well together in a studio,” he said.

Other international artists who are rumoured to be agreeing similar lucrative deals with the Department of Home Affairs are Adele, Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus, Indecent Obsession, Susan Boyle and Vanilla Ice.

At the time of going to print, the Department of Home Affairs was not available for comment.

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bbc_malikShocking details have emerged surrounding the sudden resignation of One Direction member, Zayn Malik.

Malik walked away from the band’s world tour last week citing ‘stress’ as the reason for his departure.

However, sources close to the band have leaked shocking information behind Malik’s departure, which is bound to leave One Direction fans heartbroken.

According to the sources, who spoke on agreement of anonymity, Malik learned he was 2 months pregnant on Monday 16 March, and has apparently been in turmoil since.

One particular source said, “We’re all just shocked. I mean, he wasn’t even showing, but he thought something was wrong when he started having strange cravings. Two weeks ago, he insisted on at least 1000 daffodils in his dressing room at one gig. By the end of the night he had eaten them all, leaving just the stalks behind.”

Malik reportedly did the test secretly in a public bathroom in Brazil, with the pregnancy stick confirming the result.

#newsbyrory attempted to contact Malik, the other four members of One Direction, as well its management team, but they have all remained mum – which is exactly what Malik is about to become.

It is not known at this stage who the the other parent of the child is, or whether or not Malik will keep it.

The sources close to the band say Malik is just planning to take it one craving at a time.

Malik was last spotted on a private flight to Morocco chewing relentlessly on a moonstone.

One Direction will continue its world tour as a four-piece outfit and record a fifth album later this year.

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julius_steve_detailSouth African self-appointed political activist and karaoke singer Steve Hofmeyr may be been banned from all toy shops around the country for up to 10 years.

Shortly after getting into a social media spat with a puppet named Chester Missing, Hofmeyr was seen arguing with a stuffed toy in a Boksburg branch of Toys is Us.

Toy is Us manager Specky Spoegmasjien said he had heard a loud commotion coming from the back of his store on Thursday afternoon.

“It is craziness what I hearing. I was unpacking a box of catties [hand-operated catapults] when crazy noises coming from my shop. My shelves collapse. My customers shout. I grabbed a catty and two marbles for safeness [safety] and run to see,” said a still shaken Spoegmasjien.

When Spoegmasjien went to investigate, he found Hofmeyr calling one of his stuffed toys ‘an idiotic golliwog¬†with no future’.

Spoegmasjien said he also heard Hofmeyr blaming the stuffed toy for apartheid.

Gertie Bakgat
Lana van Poggenpoel

Spoegmasjien said he had to call one of his female staff members, Lana ’16 Valve’ van
Poggenpoel to restrain Hofmeyr.

Hofmeyr was arrested shortly afterwards, and faces the prospect of being banned from all toy stores for up to 10 years.

His legal team has admitted Hofmeyr may need counselling, as he is currently struggling to differentiate between fact and fiction.

The stuffed toy is currently undergoing therapy, and will consider laying charges after consulting with his legal team.

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americas got talentThe ninth season of America’s Got Talent, won by magician Mat Franco, has already been clouded in controversy as millions of mobile phones across the U.S. have gone missing.

Questions have also arisen as to how a male magician managed to gain more votes than a beautiful, blonde, female Caucasian songstress.

In a dramatic and tense finale at Radio City Music Hall on 17 September 2014, charismatic magician Franco edged out talented singer, Emily West to take the million dollar prize, as well as a gig in Las Vegas.

Just minutes after the results were announced, police departments across the U.S. were inundated with reports of missing mobile phones, as well as charges for text messages allegedly never sent.

Spokesperson for the New York Police Department, Captain Marvin Stripesmiles said unofficial figures for missing mobile phones reported that night stood at approximately 13 million.

“Originally, the number was almost 18 million reports, ya see, but a great deal number of ’em ya see, have been found, ya see,” said Stripesmiles.

According to Stripesmiles, the investigation was still at a sensitive stage, and he could not reveal where or how the missing phones had been recovered.

Stripesmiles did confirm each phone recovered had sent no less than 400 000 text messages voting for Franco. The respective owners of the phones had no idea who Franco was.

“I don’t fucking know this Franco dude, man. I ain’t even know where the fuck this America is, ya know. Da fuck did I send a text message. I’s only use the Whatsapp, ya see. I ain’t paying this bills, man. Da fuck,” said New York resident, Brooklyn ‘Candycrush’ Goodfellow, one of the fortunate few to have recovered his phone.

During America’s Got Talent Season 9, Franco mesmerised audiences with unprecedented wizardry – some of which included making mobile phones disappear.

Mat Franco
Mat Franco

On one occasion, Franco even retrieved the phone hidden in the upholstery of one of the seats at Radio City Music Hall.

As a result, Franco has become the prime suspect in the theft and unauthorised use of almost 20 million mobile phones across America.

America’s Got Talent producers refused to fully comment, saying they had used an independent auditor to count the votes and refused to become involved in any external investigations.

At the time of writing, Franco was still wanted by Police.

He was reportedly last seen on 13 October as a reflected mural on the Great Wall of China.

The finale aired on South African television on Wednesday 29 October.

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saidolsThe South African Council of Churches (SACC) has lashed out at the producers of SA Idols, accusing the popular reality TV series of theft.

Addressing the media at a press conference at the 12 Apostles Five Star Hotel and Spa in Cape Town yesterday, SACC spokesperson Reverend Lazarus Vogelstein said evening attendance at churches across the country was at an all time low.

“The SACC is fighting an evil force and it is costing us millions of rands every week. Quite frankly, it is theft and it is happening right before our eyes,” Vogelstein said.

Vogelstein said his franchise had been hit hard, with the majority of its branches reporting a reduction in tithes of around 80 per cent.

Lazarus Vogelstein
Lazarus Vogelstein

Vogelstein said, “Our people have been hypnotised, and our collection trays are empty in the evenings. We’ve tried everything, but the force of evil is relentless. We need our people back where they belong on Sunday evenings. We have sent an open letter to M-Net demanding 50 per cent of all revenue collected via SMS voting.”

M-Net issued a statement, calling it religious apathy, insisting the lack of attendance in church had nothing to do with SA Idols. While viewership is up, M-Net justified the increase saying it was in line with what had been reported year on year since the first season.

SA Idols Executive Producer ProVerb urged Idols fans to make their voices heard.

“SMS your name and ‘Yes’ if you think SA Idols Season Ten should be shown on big screens in churches across the country, or vote ‘No’ if you feel the SACC should look at tweaking its operating hours,” ProVerb said.

Vogelstein said the SACC would fight until the death. He also blamed SA Idols for the high crime rate and increase in drug abuse among the youth.

“Where there is evil, we will conquer it. If we cannot do that, we will attempt to negotiate a deal in which all parties are financially satisfied,” he said.

Vogelstein said he and good friend had been forced to cancel essential missionary work planned for Phuket and Bangkok later this year.

Outspoken Idols judge Randall Abrahams said, “It’s a no from me.”

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Beach-Party-at-PhuketOver two thousand Mossel Bay residents have been treated for dehydration and exhaustion at local hospitals.

In December last year, approximately R68-million worth of cocaine washed up on beaches between Hartenbos and Klein Brak River on the Garden route in South Africa, with police suspecting a lot more was discovered, but not handed in.

Corporal lieutenant captain sergeant major warrant officer Mossie Spuurman said he did not mind the odd party over the festive season, but that the line had to be drawn somewhere.

Spuurman is the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of the South African Police Services in Mossel Bay.

One of the residents, 28-year-old local Dream Catcher Executive, Jordan Brightman, said he was still partying and did not know when the New Year’s party was going to end.

Speaking from his hospital bed last night, Brightman asked if Fatboy Slim had arrived yet, as he had received a message from him in the clouds.

Brightman was heavily tranquilised minutes later.

According to his mother, Margaret, Brightman’s dream catching business was on the rocks.

nurse
Sister Stephanie Vos

Health officials reported more than 2000 people had been treated for dehydration in September alone.

“They leave but they keep coming back, and we are forced to treat them,” said Sister Stephanie Vos from the Mossel Bay Hospital.

Citing research as the reason, Vos admitted she had tried some of the loot, and that it wasn’t the best quality.

“In my opinion, I don’t even think it is cocaine,” she said.

Spuurman said his officers were monitoring the situation closely and would not hesitate to reduce the beats per minute in an effort to bring the revelers back into society.

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