sniffer2.pngA dedicated SARS sniffer dog was on the receiving end of the perfect gift at a prestigious event held at a popular hotel in Sandton on Wednesday.

The event, attended by top brass from Airports Company South Africa (ACSA), South African Police Services (SAPS) and South African Revenue Service (SARS), was arranged to thank 4-year-old Raffles for his hard work over the last two years.

Speaking to the media after the event, Raffles’s proud handler, Reggie Spotless, said, “Raffles has single-handedly intercepted no less than R600-million worth of narcotics at OR Tambo International Airport during the last year alone.”

He said Raffles was starting to become very edgy of late and even snapped at an empty baggage trolley a few weeks ago and also tried to attack the luggage conveyor belt.

“It can’t be easy smelling cocaine all day without ever having the chance to just sit down and enjoy a line yourself. He was bound to start losing his mind at some stage,” Spotless said.

“We simply cannot afford to lose the services of this wonderful dog, so we did the right thing. We gave Raffles the day off, organised a lavish event, and cut him a 38cm line of cocaine to enjoy as a reward.”

Spotless said it was only understandable that Raffles would start to become aggressive after four years in the service without ever having the chance to sample anything.

“It made perfect sense. He’s a completely different dog now. It’s like he’s been given a new lease on life. He just seems to have more wisdom about his daily routine now that he knows exactly what it is he is intercepting,” Spotless said.

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saps thumb2A South African Police Services warrant officer stationed in Linden, Johannesburg has made a shocking confession to the media.

Riddled with confusion, Warrant Officer Sipesihle ‘Strong Arm’ Jekubeni said he could no longer live with himself and needed to tell someone.

Jekubeni then contacted various members of the media, openly confessing to actually reading a police affidavit before stamping and signing it, and in so doing, confirming its authenticity.

“I have no idea what I was thinking. If I can remember correctly, I think my phone battery was flat and I had nothing else to look at,” he said.

Jekubeni says he felt a cold rush of euphoria as he read details of a misplaced identity document, presented and written by a member of the public on an official SAPS affidavit form on Sunday 8 May 2016.

“I have never ever read any of these things. I just usually stamp and sign. I’m afraid of this information I have now. I want to forget it,” Jekubeni said.

He refused to divulge any of the information on the police affidavit.

The Linden SAPS Station Commander was unavailable for comment.

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julius_steve_detailSouth African self-appointed political activist and karaoke singer Steve Hofmeyr may be been banned from all toy shops around the country for up to 10 years.

Shortly after getting into a social media spat with a puppet named Chester Missing, Hofmeyr was seen arguing with a stuffed toy in a Boksburg branch of Toys is Us.

Toy is Us manager Specky Spoegmasjien said he had heard a loud commotion coming from the back of his store on Thursday afternoon.

“It is craziness what I hearing. I was unpacking a box of catties [hand-operated catapults] when crazy noises coming from my shop. My shelves collapse. My customers shout. I grabbed a catty and two marbles for safeness [safety] and run to see,” said a still shaken Spoegmasjien.

When Spoegmasjien went to investigate, he found Hofmeyr calling one of his stuffed toys ‘an idiotic golliwog¬†with no future’.

Spoegmasjien said he also heard Hofmeyr blaming the stuffed toy for apartheid.

Gertie Bakgat
Lana van Poggenpoel

Spoegmasjien said he had to call one of his female staff members, Lana ’16 Valve’ van
Poggenpoel to restrain Hofmeyr.

Hofmeyr was arrested shortly afterwards, and faces the prospect of being banned from all toy stores for up to 10 years.

His legal team has admitted Hofmeyr may need counselling, as he is currently struggling to differentiate between fact and fiction.

The stuffed toy is currently undergoing therapy, and will consider laying charges after consulting with his legal team.

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Beach-Party-at-PhuketOver two thousand Mossel Bay residents have been treated for dehydration and exhaustion at local hospitals.

In December last year, approximately R68-million worth of cocaine washed up on beaches between Hartenbos and Klein Brak River on the Garden route in South Africa, with police suspecting a lot more was discovered, but not handed in.

Corporal lieutenant captain sergeant major warrant officer Mossie Spuurman said he did not mind the odd party over the festive season, but that the line had to be drawn somewhere.

Spuurman is the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of the South African Police Services in Mossel Bay.

One of the residents, 28-year-old local Dream Catcher Executive, Jordan Brightman, said he was still partying and did not know when the New Year’s party was going to end.

Speaking from his hospital bed last night, Brightman asked if Fatboy Slim had arrived yet, as he had received a message from him in the clouds.

Brightman was heavily tranquilised minutes later.

According to his mother, Margaret, Brightman’s dream catching business was on the rocks.

nurse
Sister Stephanie Vos

Health officials reported more than 2000 people had been treated for dehydration in September alone.

“They leave but they keep coming back, and we are forced to treat them,” said Sister Stephanie Vos from the Mossel Bay Hospital.

Citing research as the reason, Vos admitted she had tried some of the loot, and that it wasn’t the best quality.

“In my opinion, I don’t even think it is cocaine,” she said.

Spuurman said his officers were monitoring the situation closely and would not hesitate to reduce the beats per minute in an effort to bring the revelers back into society.

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fireIn a bizarre, unprecedented incident, a petrol station on a busy Durban North road exploded during the early hours of Sunday morning.

“It happened at around 02h15 when I woke up to get me a cold pop. I thought someone was havin’ a barbecue,” said 97-year-old Sugar Brownloaf.

Brownloaf, who lives in a cargo container across the road from the petrol station said, “I saw flames. I saw the smoke. I ran across the road to get a light, ‘cos I ain’t got no matches, you see, and when one sees this kinda thing, one needs one a joint. Just to calm the nerves, like.”

Spokesperson for the Ethekwini Fire and Rescue Services, Graham Burnside said it was strongly suspected that a text message caused the incident.

“Those signs aren’t there for nothing,” said Burnside. “If it says do not use your cellphone, you should not use your cellphone.”

Water was carried in buckets from a swimming pool in a nearby garden to extinguish the fire.

Ethekwini Metro Police have put a motion forward to legally obtain cellular phone records from all residents within a 200km radius of the petrol station.

“Somebody has got to pay for this disaster,” said Corporal Captain Sergeant Lieutenant Superintendent Maximum Sithole. Sithole is currently the acting head of the acting head of the acting head of Ethekwini Metropolitan Police.

Sithole asked for anyone who has any information whatsoever to come forward. Nobody was injured in the blaze.

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