roland-garros-news

A British couple has laid a formal complaint with the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) following the French Open Men’s Singles Final at Roland Garros.

In Sunday’s final, Novak Djokovic came from a set down to defeat Andy Murray to win his first French Open and become the first man since 1969 to hold all four Grand Slam titles concurrently.

The couple, 67-year-old Harold and 71-year-old Hilary Swiftwhistle from Westminster said the Men’s Singles Final was the worst experience of their lives.

“We paid over £4000 to be at that event and it was absolutely horrific. We couldn’t understand a single word the umpire said throughout the match,” said Hilary.

Harold said they were also unable to see the scoreboard due to their failing eye sight, so it was a ‘complete waste of time and money’.

“In his post-match interview, Novak also made absolutely no sense, blabbering on in that ridiculous language. It was like listening to a bunch of ducks quacking.”

“It’s beyond ludicrous that a tournament of such apparent prestige should still, in this day and age, be conducted in any language other than English. The French are an arrogant bunch and need to get over themselves,” Harold complained.old-couple-newsbyrory

Hilary said she had asked her daughter to post a complaint on HelloPeter as well as the official Roland Garros website, while she had penned a strongly worded letter to the ATP.

“And I wrote the bloody letter in English, I did!” she shouted.

Harold said they would be keenly awaiting a response as well as a formal apology.

“It surely cannot continue like this. We’re in the 21st century now,” he said.

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scottishJust days after Scottish voters rejected independence in a historic referendum, question marks have already started to emerge.

A once-off survey carried out by the Scottish Whiskey Society suggests only 7% of Scots remember what they voted on Thursday, with 67% having absolutely no recollection of the referendum whatsoever.

“That leaves us with 24% of the voters who actually knew what they were doing,” said Balgaire MacRackstackerton, chairperson of the Whiskey Society.

“The only way we are going to get this right is by closing all liquor outlets for the few hours leading into the referendum,” he said.

MackRackstackerton said he would put forward an official request that the referendum be repeated, or that it be decided by a coin toss.

The results announced on Friday confirmed the 307-year union with England would continue, with 55% against independence and 45% in favour.

Head of the No Campaign, Alistair Darling said it was a great day for the United Kingdom, and that his children always loved opening their Christmas presents.

“Ah spent the day at me local, while the lass took the kids to the park, like. Nae, ah fookin’ luhv livin’ in Scotland, like, and relieved we qualified fir Olympics like,” Darling said.

He refused to comment on the referendum in particular, until he had time to research what it was all about.

Andy Murray and his mum
Andy Murray remains dependent on his mom

England Prime Minister, David Cameron, meanwhile said he was relieved his country managed to hold onto Andy Murray.

“Glorified ball boy, Tim Henman did nothing but embarrass the country for far too long, so this no vote was crucial for our Wimbledon hopes,” Cameron said.

Murray is still, however, dependent on his mom.

The result also means England’s school learners will continue in their oblivion as to where or what Scotland is.

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